Doctor, Doctor I keep having the same dreams each night,first I dream I'm a Wigwam then I dream I'm a Teepee!
Doctor what's wrong with me?

It's obvious to me, you're just too tense!







This message was edited by ONEAC on 05/31/03 10:08.

GONE

This message was edited by e pereira on 05/31/03 11:04.

eeper, QUICK...........take the red and the blue.....WITH large VODKA.........before this gets outta hand!!!

it's mid-afternoon for you....it'll be OK.

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doctor!...doctor!...those pills you gave me aren't working!
did you follow the directions on the bottle?
yes! it says keep tightly sealed, and that's exactly what i've done!

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don't let this be you, eep!!!

Thaks star your a top man cheers.

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

doctor!...doctor!...Help me I'm blind!

Calm down now, you're not blind, you're laying in my closet drunk!

Doctor,Doctor I just an elephant in my pajamas, how it got in there I'll never know.

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated." The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain.

But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you begin life anew--start over from this point."

So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular." "That's right," exclaimed the man, "how'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long." "Right again," the man said.

The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34." The owner replied "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!"

The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.

"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

"I've got it, I've got it"
"the pellet with poison's in the vessel with the pestle"
"The chalice from the palace has the brew that is true"

"Right. But there's been a change; They broke the chalice from the palace"

"They broke chalice from the palace?"

"And replaced it with a flagon"

"A flagon?"

"with the figure of dragon"

"Flagon with a dragon?"

"Right"

"But did you put the pellet with poison in the vessel with the pestle?"

"No!! The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with dragon! The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true"

Huh?

"The Court Jester"


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An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love." When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her: "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds: "This is the dress of love." And he said to her, "Well, go iron it first."

Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!"



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What do you call 2 orthopedic doctors reading an EKG?

A double blind study!!!!



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A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.



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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.