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I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but all the idiot had was some rusting sprockets (which looked suspiciously like those from my Volvo) and a BETA Tape of an old 'Three's Company' episode. You know . . . Suzannne Sommers was not in that episode, but enough about that. So I tried using your do-hicky on the sprockets when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a tiny cake that said 'Eat Me'. Well, being the adventurous type I decided to try the do-hicky on it. And well, let's just say I'll be calling my lawyer again. The damned thing started to grow and before I could do anything the cake exploded and out popped Mrs. Howel from Gilligan's Island.

Needless to say, I beat a hasty retreat . . . why couldn't it have been the Professor, at least HE might be able to tell me what's wrong with this thing! But alas, my thoughts are wandering, the point is that if the green sprocket is too small, then the yellow sprocket is so small as to be unuseable. The problem with this is, that when my wife spontaneously combusted I was left with just ashes for a spouse. I wonder if I were to sprinkle her on the turnips in the vegetable garden, if they would make up for the loss of my sex life, of which I hold your firm responsible. So I did sprinkle the ashes on the turnips and the turnips started to mutate into Rhubarb!....oh my God! I can't believe it! Rhubarb, how the hell have you........no, wait, it's losing the pinkish hue......it's turning into celery? plain old celery?........OH GOOD LORD NO........it's . . . it's . . . it's a Humongous Bok Choy! I had a wok handy, so I grabbed my Ginsu knives with permanently bonded blades made of surgical stainless steel, enclosed within heat resistant handles that provide a durable, long-lasting orgasmic feeling. I then had to figure out what to do with all of the Bok Choy Stir-fry. In moment of inspiration, I looked up your Shipping Address, called my Idiot neighbor and proceeded to pound the living crap out of him after seeing that your posted mailing address was 123 UpYours St., ScrewUTown, NY.... thus taking my frustration out on him.

To best sum up my dilemma, I can only quote Will Rogers, "If it bleeds, you can kill it." . . . but, dammit, you can't get blood out of a turnip, the Bok Choy mutated from a turnip, ergo - the Bok Choy IS NOT DEAD! And I just cut it up into a bagillion pieces... Please allow me to show the Bok Choy before the mutation:





Here it is after the mutation:




So, you can see my dilemma . . . all these little pieces are still alive. And each of the pieces started screaming and grew into a whole new Bok Choy and started running after me. Luckily, they were all still the size of a grain of rice and a few sweeps with my ACME Flame Thrower dispatched the majority of them like sunlight kills a vampyre. But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes

This message was edited by Anthony on 07/28/02 23:30.26.

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But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)!

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears!



This message was edited by Bruce Burson on 07/29/02 08:04.24.

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears! But I don't look good in shears . . . maybe if I wait a while they'll come up with a pair of fishnets!

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears! But I don't look good in shears . . . maybe if I wait a while they'll come up with a pair of fishnets! So I started grazing on the Mutant tulips/bok choy/turnips and

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears! But I don't look good in shears . . . maybe if I wait a while they'll come up with a pair of fishnets! So I started grazing on the Mutant tulips/bok choy/turnips and at first started feeling a bit queasy when I realized I was eating my wife! And all of a sudden I was horny again, so I started looking for another sheep, but

This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 07/29/02 09:57.22.

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears! But I don't look good in shears . . . maybe if I wait a while they'll come up with a pair of fishnets! So I started grazing on the Mutant tulips/bok choy/turnips and at first started feeling a bit queasy when I realized I was eating my wife! And all of a sudden I was horny again, so I started looking for another sheep, but with my four horns I kept on scaring the other sheep away (they used to be my neighbors).

This message was edited by Anthony on 07/29/02 11:24.14.

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears! But I don't look good in shears . . . maybe if I wait a while they'll come up with a pair of fishnets! So I started grazing on the Mutant tulips/bok choy/turnips and at first started feeling a bit queasy when I realized I was eating my wife! And all of a sudden I was horny again, so I started looking for another sheep, but with my four horns I kept on scaring the other sheep away (they used to be my neighbors).

Once upon a time, I thought them noisey and smelly, but now (with my wife dead and all) I have this compelling need

  (Anthony, I substituted another link 'cause yours wasn't working)

This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 07/29/02 11:27.38.

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears! But I don't look good in shears . . . maybe if I wait a while they'll come up with a pair of fishnets! So I started grazing on the Mutant tulips/bok choy/turnips and at first started feeling a bit queasy when I realized I was eating my wife! And all of a sudden I was horny again, so I started looking for another sheep, but with my four horns I kept on scaring the other sheep away (they used to be my neighbors).

Once upon a time, I thought them noisey and smelly, but now (with my wife dead and all) I have this compelling need to fart.

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears! But I don't look good in shears . . . maybe if I wait a while they'll come up with a pair of fishnets! So I started grazing on the Mutant tulips/bok choy/turnips and at first started feeling a bit queasy when I realized I was eating my wife! And all of a sudden I was horny again, so I started looking for another sheep, but with my four horns I kept on scaring the other sheep away (they used to be my neighbors).

Once upon a time, I thought them noisey and smelly, but now (with my wife dead and all) I have this compelling need to start a on class action lawsuit. Your do-hicky should be

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears! But I don't look good in shears . . . maybe if I wait a while they'll come up with a pair of fishnets! So I started grazing on the Mutant tulips/bok choy/turnips and at first started feeling a bit queasy when I realized I was eating my wife! And all of a sudden I was horny again, so I started looking for another sheep, but with my four horns I kept on scaring the other sheep away (they used to be my neighbors).

Once upon a time, I thought them noisey and smelly, but now (with my wife dead and all) I have this compelling need to start a on class action lawsuit. Your do-hicky should be physically embedded in your

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears! But I don't look good in shears . . . maybe if I wait a while they'll come up with a pair of fishnets! So I started grazing on the Mutant tulips/bok choy/turnips and at first started feeling a bit queasy when I realized I was eating my wife! And all of a sudden I was horny again, so I started looking for another sheep, but with my four horns I kept on scaring the other sheep away (they used to be my neighbors).

Once upon a time, I thought them noisey and smelly, but now (with my wife dead and all) I have this compelling need to start a on class action lawsuit. Your do-hicky should be physically embedded in your concrete foundation (like in Mafia movies) since it is extremely dangerous. And to think all of this happened because I wanted larger turnips for

Page 3

But then the wind started blowing, and it scattered the ashes into the flower garden. Now I've got a bunch of giant Tulips (my wife's favorite, no less) to contend with.....hmmmm, my wife . . . tulips . . . oh Hell, now I'm horny. These big horns started growing from my head and I started (baaaaa) getting this insatiabaaaaaaaale craving for (baa-ba-baaaaaaaa) vegetabaaaaaaals, maybe my probluuuuuuums are solllllllllllved! (baaaaa-baaaaaa)! Background music -- The Sorcerer's Apprentice No, wait: The mutant Bok Choy tulips are producing pairs of shears! But I don't look good in shears . . . maybe if I wait a while they'll come up with a pair of fishnets! So I started grazing on the Mutant tulips/bok choy/turnips and at first started feeling a bit queasy when I realized I was eating my wife! And all of a sudden I was horny again, so I started looking for another sheep, but with my four horns I kept on scaring the other sheep away (they used to be my neighbors).

Once upon a time, I thought them noisey and smelly, but now (with my wife dead and all) I have this compelling need to start a on class action lawsuit. Your do-hicky should be physically embedded in your concrete foundation (like in Mafia movies) since it is extremely dangerous. And to think all of this happened because I wanted larger turnips for throwing at Subarus from a distance, not for chunking into their windows at close range. But it's too late, the damage is done and it doesn't matter how loud the squeals