Dear Sir or Madame (as the case may be);
Re: Need Help

I recently purchased one of your doo-hickies, and I can't seem to get it to open it's Early Warning System. Since this the first of your products I have purchased, I thought I might try hooking it up to my turnip, but without the EWS I can't tell when the turnip has fully completed its cycle. As we both know, an incorrectly cycled turnip may well become dangerously unstable, causing my left nut to hurt . Why do condoms filled with helium rise, but persimmons in my shorts cause my Volvo to get less mileage?

While we're on the subject, I seriously doubt your promise of making everything much bigger in one cycle. In my neighborhood, we practice safe recycling, therefore I cycled and recycled the turnip until the sprockets fell off and went flying into my nuts (thus the previous paragraph). It should come as little surprise to you then that my concern at the failure of the doo-hickie EWS has led me to contact the governmental licensing agency, responsible for said device, regarding this issue. In addition, I respectfully request a fair and reasonable market- value compensation for the damage to my nuts. Cashews are not easily replaced around these parts! Unless you wish to hear from my lawyer, who can beat up your lawyer, I suggest a swift reply and remuneration for the cost of new condoms for my Volvo.

Now to further clarify the situation, when I bought this doo-hickie, I was under the impression that it worked on turnips and all makes & models of Volvos. Now, after reading your disclaimer (with an electron microscope, I might add), I find myself needing an other Grolsch, or 3 or 20...and wanting to camp on your sidewalk waiting, biding my time, smoking ciggarette after ciggarette, (not even worried about DNA evidence anymore), trying to decide if I feal like a nut or don't.

So, anyway, I was in the library, see, and this guy comes up to me, and he’s all like, “check this out,” and then he kills me and eats me and when I woke up the next morning it was like, "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" but it was somewhere on Long Island, I think, only more like a turnip.

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I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo

I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched

I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched the alphabet ( my Volvo is what I call my wife)

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I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's

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I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but


Mike: I will start to take it personally :-)

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I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but all the idiot had was some rusting sprockets (which looked suspiciously like those from my Volvo) and a BETA Tape of an old 'Three's Company' episode. You know . . . Suzannne Sommers

  (What'd I do now, that I should be proud of?)

This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 07/27/02 11:39.35.

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I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but all the idiot had was some rusting sprockets (which looked suspiciously like those from my Volvo) and a BETA Tape of an old 'Three's Company' episode. You know . . . Suzannne Sommers was not in that episode, but enough about that. So I tried using your do-hicky on the sprockets

Page 2

I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but all the idiot had was some rusting sprockets (which looked suspiciously like those from my Volvo) and a BETA Tape of an old 'Three's Company' episode. You know . . . Suzannne Sommers was not in that episode, but enough about that. So I tried using your do-hicky on the sprockets when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a tiny cake that said 'Eat Me'. Well, being the adventurous type

Page 2

I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but all the idiot had was some rusting sprockets (which looked suspiciously like those from my Volvo) and a BETA Tape of an old 'Three's Company' episode. You know . . . Suzannne Sommers was not in that episode, but enough about that. So I tried using your do-hicky on the sprockets when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a tiny cake that said 'Eat Me'. Well, being the adventurous type I decided to try the do-hicky on it.

Page 2

I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but all the idiot had was some rusting sprockets (which looked suspiciously like those from my Volvo) and a BETA Tape of an old 'Three's Company' episode. You know . . . Suzannne Sommers was not in that episode, but enough about that. So I tried using your do-hicky on the sprockets when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a tiny cake that said 'Eat Me'. Well, being the adventurous type I decided to try the do-hicky on it. And well, let's just say I'll be calling my lawyer again. The damned thing started to grow and before I could do anything

Page 2

I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but all the idiot had was some rusting sprockets (which looked suspiciously like those from my Volvo) and a BETA Tape of an old 'Three's Company' episode. You know . . . Suzannne Sommers was not in that episode, but enough about that. So I tried using your do-hicky on the sprockets when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a tiny cake that said 'Eat Me'. Well, being the adventurous type I decided to try the do-hicky on it. And well, let's just say I'll be calling my lawyer again. The damned thing started to grow and before I could do anything the cake exploded and

This message was edited by Ken on 07/27/02 15:43.04.

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I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but all the idiot had was some rusting sprockets (which looked suspiciously like those from my Volvo) and a BETA Tape of an old 'Three's Company' episode. You know . . . Suzannne Sommers was not in that episode, but enough about that. So I tried using your do-hicky on the sprockets when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a tiny cake that said 'Eat Me'. Well, being the adventurous type I decided to try the do-hicky on it. And well, let's just say I'll be calling my lawyer again. The damned thing started to grow and before I could do anything the cake exploded and out popped Mrs. Howel from Gilligan's Island.

Needless to say, I beat a hasty retreat . . . why couldn't it have been the Professor, at least HE might be able to tell me what's wrong with this thing!

I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but all the idiot had was some rusting sprockets (which looked suspiciously like those from my Volvo) and a BETA Tape of an old 'Three's Company' episode. You know . . . Suzannne Sommers was not in that episode, but enough about that. So I tried using your do-hicky on the sprockets when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a tiny cake that said 'Eat Me'. Well, being the adventurous type I decided to try the do-hicky on it. And well, let's just say I'll be calling my lawyer again. The damned thing started to grow and before I could do anything the cake exploded and out popped Mrs. Howel from Gilligan's Island.

Needless to say, I beat a hasty retreat . . . why couldn't it have been the Professor, at least HE might be able to tell me what's wrong with this thing! But alas, my thoughts are wandering, the point is

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I wanted to go to the store and try a new turnip, thinking that possibly mine was defective, but my Volvo belched and I couldn't get it out of reverse and I'll be damned if I'm going to BACK all the way to the store. So instead I sneaked into my neighbor's turnip warehouse but all the idiot had was some rusting sprockets (which looked suspiciously like those from my Volvo) and a BETA Tape of an old 'Three's Company' episode. You know . . . Suzannne Sommers was not in that episode, but enough about that. So I tried using your do-hicky on the sprockets when, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a tiny cake that said 'Eat Me'. Well, being the adventurous type I decided to try the do-hicky on it. And well, let's just say I'll be calling my lawyer again. The damned thing started to grow and before I could do anything the cake exploded and out popped Mrs. Howel from Gilligan's Island.

Needless to say, I beat a hasty retreat . . . why couldn't it have been the Professor, at least HE might be able to tell me what's wrong with this thing! But alas, my thoughts are wandering, the point is that if the green sprocket is too small, then the yellow sprocket is so small as to be unuseable. The problem with this is, that when