A man is walking in Central Park NY, when he suddenly sees a rabid dog attacking a little girl. He runs towards the dog kicks it away from the girl and strangles the dog to death, saving the girl.
The policeman who saw the incident walks up to him and says:
-you are a hero! Tomorrow the headlines will read:

Courageous New Yorker saves little girl.

The man replies - but I'm not from NY.

The policeman says: - ok then. Courageous American saves little girl

The man replies again: - but I'm not American

The policeman says-what are you then??

Pakistani- The man replies.

The day afterwards the headlines of the newspapers read:















Islamist extremist massacres American dog

Thats not funny you bumble brain,bloated bass,Bose,Beeeaaachhh!

INSTRUCTIONS ON REPLACING MOUSE BALLS

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a peripheral problem.
________________

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacture of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

[Link: sickjokes.about.com]

LOL, Anthony! :-)

that was a real ad in the UK for Carling beer

Seriously? I love it!

yes.

[Link: realbeer.com]

BRUNETTE JOKE FOR BLONDES

A brunette calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The brunette says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he said with a deep sigh "lets put the corn flakes away...."

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."


Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
the Catholic type supports the masses,
the Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."


Bra Sizes:

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?


If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!

An English professor wrote the words:
"A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his Students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:
A woman, without her man, is nothing.

All the females in the class wrote:
A woman: without her, man is nothing.

The Truth About Eating

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on
nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all
those

conflicting medical studies

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of progies, cabbage rolls, and sausage, and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

The TRUE ending to "the Empire Strikes Back":
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is
backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick
move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off
into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around,
but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your
father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be
true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true.. and you know what else? You
know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7
years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old? And what have you done? Look
at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your
own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I
single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control
ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never
gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's
the Dark Lord of the Sith... waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age,
I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years
old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly
a Pod Racer... right here baby!

Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't
know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges
down the shaft.

Darth Vader looks after him.

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

for Mr Prefect?

The 51 Rules of Good Grammar. Why exactly 51? Nobody knows.



1. Each pronoun should agree with their antecedent.

2. Between you and I, case is important.

3. Verbs has to agree with their subject.

4. Watch out for irregular verbs which has crope into the language.

5. Don't use no double negatives.

6. A writer should not shift your point of view.

7. Don't write a run-on sentence you have got to punctuate it.

8. About sentence fragments.

9. In articles books memos and stuff like that we use commas to keep things apart without which we would have without doubt confusion.

10. But, don't use, commas, which are not, necessary.

11. Its important to use you're apostrophe's correctly.

12. Don't abbrev. unless nec.

13. Check carefully to if you any words out.

14. In my opinion and thinking, based on my long experience, I think and opine that an author or writer when he or she is writing something that he or she should not get accustomed to the habit or mode of operation of making use of too many redundant unnecessary words or phrases that he or she does not actually really require or need in order to put his or her thoughts or message across to the reader of the article or whatever.

15. About repetition, the repetition of a word is not usually effective repetition.

16. As far as incomplete constructions they are wrong.

17. Spel correckly.

18. Don't runyour words together.

19. If you persist in using unfamiliar foreign words, alles kaput. Foreign terms, abbreviations, U. S. W. are even worse.

20. To effectively write, avoid splitting infinitives.

21. Ending a sentence with a preposition is poor form. You should try not to.

22. Use Capital Letters correctly.

23. End every sentence with a period;

24. Refrain from antagonizing people, you stupid jerk!

26. Watch your numbering.

27. Were trying to learn people to use the language correctly, by inferring that grammar are important.

28. Eschew polysyllabic profundity. Also, eschew sesquipedalian obfuscation.

29. Their is sometimes difficulty knowing when to use "there" instead of "their".

30. Watch out that in your writing that you don't have have an extra word in your sentence.

31. You all should avoid regional speech patterns.

32. Forgetting a prefix is done only by the couth.

33. Too many rules stifle creativity. Do not make up your own rules. Failure to observe this will result in dismissal.

34. Kuteness is dumb.

35. If your verb tenses agreed, you have written a good sentence.

36. When dangling, watch your participles.

37. The active voice shall be used.

38. To mix metaphors is to tread lightly on dangerous waters.

39. If your verb tenses agreed, you have written a good sentence.

40. Proofreading is improtant.

41. Don't use no double negatives.

42. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.

43. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.

44. About those sentence fragments.

45. Dangling prepositions should not be put up with.

46. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

47. Just between you and I, case is important, too.

48. It is best to not ever split infinitives.

49. Its important to use apostrophe's correctly.

50. From "The Elements of Style" by Strunk and White: "The subject of a sentence and the principal verb should not, as a rule, be separated by a phrase or clause that can be transferred to the beginning."

51. Last, but not least, knock off the cliches!



References: 'The Little English Handbook' by Edward P. J. Corbett which credits some of the above to William Safire, "The Fumblerules of Grammar," The New York Times Magazine, Nov 4, 1979, and "Fumblerule Follow-up", Nov 25, 1979.