A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey . He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprize me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little get. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his bottom, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replied the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his bottom, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

I went to the Doctors .
I said "Doctor can you help me i am having difficulty sleeping."
He said "as it happens there is a ne drug covagra."
I said "whats that?"
He said "its a mix of cocoa and Viagra."
"How does that work then?" i asked
"he said the cocoa helps make you sleep and the Viagra stops you falling out of bed."

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's Only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ... go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN : "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. .....Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Better to use a bow and arrow with a silencer, just to be safe.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

* Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.Neil, Scotland

* 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,'
Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in the cell with me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder. S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre

* The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll
have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book. Milos el Standish, Barcelona

* While cleaning out the back of my fridge the other day, I found a
half-full carton of 'fresh full-cream milk', but when I drank it I threw up and spent the rest of the week in bed. Fresh, my arse. D Rimjob

* ACCORDING to a recent survey, most wives are too embarrassed to get
undressed in front of their husbands with the light on. I wish mine f**king was. J Downing, Stoke on Trent


* So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"
do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years. Tim

* IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes
the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.Christopher Hampshire, Bristol



* This Value Added Tax is a rip-off. I was expecting a great deal on a
car the other day, and I ended up having to pay an extra 17.5% for it. There is no way that's added value. If anything, I'm about three grand out of pocket. Jon Cooke, Leicester

* The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table? Magnus, Sheffield

* I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that
Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of

* The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me,or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods,e-mail

* Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You
have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in. Gary Beergut, e-mail

* I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia
with Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again. Baz, Bondi

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.

However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen; manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…


8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing,compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms


THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00Alarm
6:15Blow job
6:30Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30Limo arrives
7:45Several beers en route to the airport
9:15Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30Play back nine (4 under)
2:15Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30Fly to Bahamas
3:30Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot
4:30Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over, naturally)
6:45Shit, shower and shave
7:00Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30Night-cap blow job
11:45In bed alone
11:50A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51Laugh yourself to sleep

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a Stagg party may be legally killed... and eaten by his mates.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a lap dancing club of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who is playing.

10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's
free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch football" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox 360. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

* We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

** "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

*** "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd

that is tops!!! nice one Mr G

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three
sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the
window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was
lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how
could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke
to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the
hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the
cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if
you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your
parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to
satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a
row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best
(seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she
drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was hopeless
prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened,
and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me
fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said,
"Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was
reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in
a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty
times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do you know that thirty times in
row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

Where the jokes belong, however having done a quick browse of a couple of the ones above, maybe the joke in the other thread fits right in on this site! :-/