One Liners!

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s*ithead's.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't where its been.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Can you do it?

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumba*s cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down.







This message was edited by ONEAC on 01/08/04 17:10.

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.

Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie, than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian"

Several days later, Brian received an email from his mother that read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

what is the best thing for a runny nose?










a tap on the head

This message was edited by ILOVE BOSE on 01/20/04 09:01.

How lame!
Just what you'd expect from an Bose-oholic!

Top 5 George W. Bush Space Proposals
1.Find the Robinson family before that Dr. Smith jerk gets them all killed.
2.The Howard Dean Space Station -- complete with Howard Dean in permanent residence.
3.Increase funding to NAPA to help the search for intelligent life.
4.Finally land a man on the sun -- Paul O'Neill.
5.Launch a pre-emptive strike against Marvin the Martian based on intelligence gathered by Special Agents D. Duck and B. Bunny of the CIA.

Last week I got a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me back two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help and while he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? Read on...

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M". Answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2005: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de produccion es.......

Y'allbonics

Not to be outdone by Ebonics in California, the Southern Association of Colleges & Schools is requesting billions of federal dollars to teach y'allbonics in all classrooms south of the Mason-Dixon line. Included here are some samples of y'allbonics. If y 'all do not understand any of them, contact your closest southern bubba for an explanation.

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a coke."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep on fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh ass."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place.
Usage: "Just set that bare rat cheer."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed.. must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas; oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - (noun) & (verb) contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit n'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction (verb) & pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
_________________

Now we know what ILOVEBOSE does while waiting for Bose to get its next shipment of 'precision' parts from RadioShack!

No i pray 3 times a day to the honourable Amar G Bose facing towards "The Mountain " in frammington
channting "better sound through research"
This was taught to me on my first Bose training course.

to revive my self out of my self induced trance i click my heels together three times saying "theres no brand like Bose,theres no brand like Bose"










This message was edited by ILOVE BOSE on 02/01/04 08:37.

And in the end the truth will reveal itself!

(All I wanted was my scream! :Emperor Cartagia,2261)

would i say that!!

Once again, a Bose-oholic changes the facts to fit the lie!

Bozoholic!!!.........ah lak at!!