Here's joke of the day:

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

This message was edited by GregoriusM on 03/28/02 23:20.42.

i like monkeys

the pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. i thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand. i decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so i bought 200 of them. i like monkeys.

i took my 200 monkeys home. i have a big car. i let one drive. his name was signund. he was retarded. in fact, none of them were really bright. they kept punching themselves in the genitals. i laughed. they punched me in the genitals. i stopped laughing.

i herded them into my room. they didn't adapt very well to their new environment. they would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. altough humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into the third hour.

two hours later, i found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. no apparent reason. they all just stort of dropped dead. kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. doggone cheap monkeys.

i didnt' know what to do. there were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. it looked like i had 200 throw rugs. i tried to flush one down the toilet. it didn't work. it got stuck. then i had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

i tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. that worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. it started to smell real bad.

i had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and i didn't want to call the plumber..i was embarrassed.

i tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. unfortunately, there was only enough room for two at a time, so i had to change them every 30 seconds. i also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

i tried to burn them, but little did i know that my bed was flammable. i had to extinguish the fire.

then i had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet; two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. the odor wasn't improving.

i became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and i really had to use the bathroom. so i went and severely beat one of the monkeys. i felt better.

i tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. i told him i had a wet one. he wouldn't take it either. i didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

i finally arrived at a solution. i gave them out as christmas gifts. my friends didn't quite know what to say. they pretended to like them, but i could tell they were lying. ingrates. so i punched them in the genitals.

i like monkeys.

After the outrageously bungled handling of the Foot and Mouth outbreak the Government were further embarrassed by the discovery that after two years research into trying to find a link between Scrapie and BSE the scientists at Imperial College had been looking at cows brains not sheeps brains. That's not a joke, it's fact - I just had to mention it for you to appreciate the gist of the following...


A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a farmer and a large flock of sheep. He said to the farmer, "I will bet you £100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The farmer thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"973," says the man.

The farmer is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," cries the farmer, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."
The man says, "Alright".
"You are an Epidemiologist from Imperial College "advising" the Government," says the farmer.
"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are correct! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the farmer, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

djy: I heard that joke before, but in my version he was a consultant

Hell

This guy who dies and finds himself in Hell. However, hell was nothing like he had expected. It was a huge bar, swarming with beautiful blondes. And behind the main bar were dozens of liquor bottles, with labels of the finest liquors known to man. So the guy moseys up to the bar, intending to partake of the booze and the women. "I'll have a shot of your finest bourbon," he told the bartender.

"See all those bottles?" asked the bartender. "They all have holes in the bottom."

"That's too bad," said the guy. "But at least there's still the women."

"Yep," replied the barkeep, "but they don't."


  Anthony, Joke = OK . . . Joke + Comment = OK . . . Just Comment = NOT OK!


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This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 03/28/02 21:32.19.

Never said it was original, just extremely apt considering all the governmental bungling that's been so evident of late.

And so as not to fall foul of Mr K. try these... Not exactly jokes but amusing nonetheless.

The following questions and answers were collated from last year's British GCSE exams. (16 year olds!)

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made Safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no Water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, The borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain,the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.


Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.


Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

"Actual question given for a mid-term chemistry exam at the University of Washington:"

Is Hell exothermic (radiates heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats up when it Is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how The mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you', and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

"That student got the only A in his term..."

Exothermic! That is too funny! ROFLMAO

And these...


Déjà Moo - the feeling that you've heard this bull before.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Change is inevitable -- except from vending machines.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.



This message was edited by djy on 03/29/02 15:16.56.

Those are some good ones, djy!!!

For all you Canadians, here's a true story from British Columbia:

A certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.

ROFLMAO on that last one! The truth is sometimes SO entertaining! :-)

... and for my fellow Californians:

The dumb blonde actress entered a hair salon in Hollywood wearing headphones connected to a portable cassette player. The hairdresser went to take the headphones off her head and she screamed "NO! You can't take off my headphones or I'll die! The hairdresser said it would be impossible to do her hair right, but the blonde was adamant. Finally, the hairdresser agreed and started working on her hair.

About halfway through, the blonde fell asleep and the hairdresser figured she'd never know if he removed the headphones. He pulled the headphones off her head and she suddenly colapsed on the floor. He called 911, but by the time the paramedics got there she was dead. He told the paramedics was happened, and one of them said: "That's really strange. I wonder what she was listening to?" He picked up the headphones, put them on and turned on the cassette player. He heard a voice repeating the same thing over and over ... "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out."

Top Ten Rules of Tech Support

1. Voice mail options are to be changed every Monday to ensure that customers must listen to ALL of the endless options before being able to make a choice. Note: Be sure to put "Speak to a tech support team member" at the very end of the list right after "If you need to order an instruction book in Mandarin, please press 202". Disable the 0 option to reach an actual Person. 0 must always re-start the Options Dialogue. Disallow 'punch-through' so they must listen to the entire Options Dialogue.

2. If the customer is calling with a software problem, immediately blame their hardware.

3. In order to maintain good customer relations, only put a caller on hold if you're taking a 15-30 minute coffee break. If you're taking a full lunch hour, then take their number. Then throw it away and wait for them to call back.

4. If the customer is calling with a hardware problem, immediately blame their software.

5. Remember: To the customer you're a God. A genius who's hundred times smarter than they are. Feel free to talk down to them. NOTE: Don't worry about answering questions from computer savvy nerds. Since they don't call Tech Support, you will never have to answer a question you can't fake your way through.

6. If you've no idea what the customer's problem is, simply tell them "You obviously don't have the latest upgrade." Then instruct them to search for it on the web - that'll keep them busy for months.

7. If it turns out that a customer is calling with a valid problem that you already know about, say: "I've never heard of that happening before, but I'll ask a Senior Engineer. Please hold." Then after your coffee break, come back on the line and give vague and confusing instructions on how to fix it.

8. AOL is the official scapegoat for any hardware or software problems a customer may experience. AOL has screwed up so much over the last two years that anybody will accept AOL as the cause of their problem - even if they don't have AOL!

9. Always be sure to ask the caller to list the other programs they are using. When they name the third one, immediately blurt out "Oh, there's your problem. That program isn't compatible with ours."

10. As an absolute final resort: Tell the customer that an upgrade that will fix everything will be available in two months. This will buy us enough time to work hard... To update this excuse list!

This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 03/30/02 04:28.54.

Mike, that's funny, but sometimes I think tech support actually uses this list.

There are a few times I would call one of our manufacturers tech support departments, and get one of the answers from that list.

The first one is usually, "What software version is installed?" then, "It needs to be updated with the latest version" even though there may not actually be an upgrade. Then after I explain that, I get, "We've never had, nor heard of this problem"

The final stretch of an answer is; "Reset the device"

And how do we do that? "Unplug the device from the wall, and leave unplugged for X hours"

That's an easy way out for a tech to get off the phone, go home sick, and call off the next day or two to aviod getting your return call when the "reset" method does not work (which he/she knew all the time wouldn't).
Sparing him from your anger of wasting all that time for something that was never gonna work.

JJP