DOG PET PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it!
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can?
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.........
Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a Warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a Theatre.

Technically and Reality?

One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between 'technically' and 'reality.

"Son, I won't tell you the dictionary definition in fear that it will confuse you.
But to help you out, I'll give you something to do. Go ask your mum if she will sleep with a tramp for £500,000 and ask your sister is she'll sleep with the bin man for the same amount." So, the little boy goes up to his mom.

"Mummy, would you ever sleep with a tramp for £500,000?"

"You bet your ass I would!" exclaims the mother. So the little boy goes up to his sister's bedroom.

"Hey sis, would you sleep with the binman for £500,000?"

"I sure would!" exclaims his sister.

"Dad, Dad! Mum and sis both said they would. What does that mean?"

"Well, son," the father says. "Technically, we're millionares but in reality we live with a couple of dirty whores!"

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards him; and then, low and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "What myths are those?"

Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed
when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to posses that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish decent.

I have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck.

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my freinds call me Bubba."

An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a muscular guy. Then the alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder and says: "bloop, bloop, bloop!"

The guy looks at him and says,"If you do that again I will cut your head off with this here knife!"

The alien does it again and says "bloop, bloop, bloop!"

In anger the guy cuts off the guys head. Immediately another one grows back. Then the alien pushes his finger into the gys shoulder and says "bloop, bloop, bloop!"

The guy says "if you do that again I will cut off your dick!" The alien did it again so in his anger the guy pulls down the aliens pants and is shocked to see that there is no dick! In his astonishment he asks, "If you don't have a dick then how do you have sex?"

The alien pushes his finger into the guys shoulder and says, "bloop, bloop, bloop!"

This is for U.K guys but it may apply to some U.S guys

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because... Our baby cots were covered with brightly
coloured lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels. (I think you will find they were known as spokey dokeys)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
Were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.
No 199 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, and no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends -we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really
Hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there
Were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same
thing again.

We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
Problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real
Kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough thought you might like to read about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening...... and it might
Put a smile on your face.

The majority of students in universities today were born in
1983........ They are called youth. They have never heard of we are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.

They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda
Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.
AIDS has existed since they were born.
CD's have existed since they were born.
Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.
They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are just new films out last year.

They think that N-Trance "set you free" is an Old Skool song.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They've never heard of Pac-Man or Space Invaders or BBC computers that have Bat n Ball games. They'll never have thought Jazz was the sexiest aftershave ever.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous Five. They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix it or Why Don't You.
They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile. 2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out. 3. Your friends are getting married. 4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers. 5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head. 6. You've developed more and more feelings about your work. It's now your life. 7. You spend less and less time talking on phone with your friends daily. 8. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again and again all funny stories you have experienced together. 9. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too... Yes, you're getting older!!!!

You might be old if....

You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack
You're still bitter that Wham! broke up
A-ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video
You enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night
You know who Loverboy is
Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame!"
You know it's not "comma, comma, comma", it's karma
You know that girls just wanna have fuh-un
You know whose number is 867-5309
You want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand
Sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out
Your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian"
You can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you
You own a Milli Vanilli album.
You refer to dance music as disco.
You're waiting for Depeche Mode to become popular.
You still talk about wether or not the video for a song is any good.
You think Madonna's "Like A Virgin" would imply she was still "pure".
You still like "Thriller".
You call the guy who wrote "Little Red Corvette", Prince.
You know all the words to "Rio".
You own more than one album by either A Flock Of Seagulls, Toto or Mr. Mister.
You refer to albums as LP's and call music stores, record stores.

Oy, I think I'll get my walker and hobble off to the old folks home now.

I went to confession and said "excuse me father for i have sinned and i want to know if i will still go to heaven"
he said "tell me child ,what have you done?"
"well father" i said
"I saw my wife bent over the frezzer and i couldnt resist and took advantage of her then and there!"

"will i still go to heaven ?" i asked
"Ask god for forgivness and you will"He replied

"thank God for that i cant go in Wal mart again!" i said

no joke.......

If Walmart were a country it would be China’s 5th largest trading partner.

About as many people work for Wal-Mart — 1.3 million — as serve active duty in the U.S. military. Its most recent annual sales — $245 billion — are greater than the gross domestic product of Switzerland.

Today, “Wal-Mart creates its own weather,” said John A. Challenger, chief executive of Challenger, Gray & Christmas Inc., a Chicago outplacement firm that tracks retail jobs

With almost $250 billion in annual sales, Wal-Mart accounts for 6 percent of all U.S. retail sales and 2 percent of the gross domestic product.

If you want to know what's going on with the American economy, Wal-Mart is the place to look.

The growing trade deficit?
Wal-Mart imports $12 billion worth of goods from China, about 10 percent of the U.S. total.

Improving productivity?
A team of consultants from the McKinsey Global Institute found that Wal-Mart's superior logistics and use of computer technology was a key contributor to the economy's efficiency gains in the past decade.

Because of its huge size, Walmart has extremely strong purchasing power. They “squeeze” their suppliers, forcing them to lower prices under threat of taking the business overseas

i only put walmart because i didnt think you have Tesco/Sainsburys/Farmfoods/iceland/lidl/aldi over in the U.S

 ?  

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them".

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over and once again offered to buy more food.

After once again having his offer refused, he finally asked the little old lady "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered...."THE TEETH"