I had always thought this place was a scam, but now I could see that there was some solid science going on here, not to mention quite a few babes in varying states of messed-upness. So I got myself assigned to a Counselor and started a whole new version of my story:

“Recently I have felt so stressed out (stiflied cravings because Mother just ignores Mr. Brother and Father never fixed the air conditioner) and having had three shoulder surgeries (from spanking Mr. brother) . . . well all of the sudden one day, after my last surgery, my entire system just shut down. I fell into SEVERE depression unlike anything I have ever experienced. I’ve been suicidal, my nipples get sore and I don't even recognize myself when I looked in the mirror (I always see that good looking Michael Rennie, from The Day the Earth Stood Still) it’s horrible (well . . . the mirror part’s pretty neat, every time I see him/me, I felt like a million bucks..all my depression is immediately gone, and what’s most impressive is that Mr. brother grows to over 7 feet tall and turns into metal! Talk about some wild spanking parties!!!!).

So I posed this question to my Counselor, Madchen Amick (really!, I kid you not!).

“I read somewhere that spanking one’s monkey early can cause this type of thing later in life . . . I must admit that I began spanking Mr. Brother shortly before puberty . . . it was an accident but it felt so good I never stopped, even up to three times a day for years. I am now down to about once a week or maybe twice (or 3 or 4 or 10) but I want to know how spanking has caused this and what to do to fix it. Also, I have been looking at pictures of non-primates on the interent about once a month and I hate myself for it . . . I read that it increases dopamine in the brain.”

At this point, I just broke down, sobbing on Maddie’s lap, whimpering “HELP ME . . . what do I do, why is this happening to me...???” (Actually, that was pretty good therapy all by itself, let me tell ya)!

And here was her reply:

“Jay, Jay, Jay in Chicago, you poor, poor thing . . . regulated ‘spanking’ can give an optimal release of pelvic congestion resulting from excessive prostagladins in the pelvic tissues. Pelvic congestion can destabilize the brain functions. That is, a regulated ‘spanking’ is healthy. However, overexcessive-‘spanking’ can cause brain dysfunction, fatigue, dizziness, tiredness, migraines, spine and tailbone ache or chill, and/or low-back pains due to the fact that gue contains prostaglandins which are produced with the hormones and neurotransmitters. Too frequent ‘spanking’ will draw excessive hormones, neurochemicals and neurotransmitters from the brain and spine resulting in exhaustion right after ‘spanking’.