[Link: 3badbros.com]

(I didn't make it up!)

ROFL "Call one of these fat ass delta coochies!"

"At Delta, we've got you covered like a Jimmy cap..."

Lol that was some funny shiaaaat! (hehe get it?)

En yur thurd qwestshun is..............

  (Rhubarb? . . . Yes, as were many others, that being the "raison-d-terre" for Rhubarb anyway.
Good 'ol BB J JB? . . . ain't no relation to me!!!)

This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 05/02/02 23:08.05.

Okay, here's the third question...phrased Jeopardysiastically:

I am 99.9% sure that Mr. Bob is aka John Pechulis..

"What is the most outlandish word you have ever heard, Alex . . . er........uh......Ken?"

  (What'd I win? What'd I WIN!!!!????)

This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 05/02/02 23:23.50.

Outlandishlisiastically speaking?
MrK, I guess you've won a Pizza at Luigi B.G. Pizza & Pasta ,Panama City, Florida!

Round trip tickets included?

That's a good one, huh? . . . Considering this IS the Joke Thread!!!!

This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 05/02/02 23:48.39.

Again, phraised Jeopardysiastically:
You must show up at the restaurant's back door lugging a bag of flour which shall meet the following specifications:

WHEAT FLOUR, Enriched, Malted, Bleached, Bromated:
This product shall be of food grade and in all respects, including labeling, in compliance with the Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act of 1938 as amended and all applicable regulations thereunder.
•A high quality bleached, high gluten flour milled from a selected blend of hard red wheat. Wheat selection is to be consistent with optimum baking characteristics and performance. Wide variations in the type of wheat utilized for this flour are not permitted. The flour shall be produced under sanitary conditions in accordance with Good Manufacturing Practices.
B. PACKAGING/SHELF LIFE/STORAGE CONDITIONS
1.The package consists of 25, 50, & 100 lb. multi-wall paper bags.
2.Shelf life of the product is 1 year from the date of manufacture.
3.To preserve product quality, dry storage at room temperature is recommended.
C. PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS
1.Color - Clean, bright creamy white, free of bran specks.
2.The product shall be free of rancid, bitter, musty or other undesirable flavors or odors.
3.The product shall be as free of all types of foreign material as can be achieved through Good Manufacturing Practices.
4.Falling Number – 200 – 240 sec.
D. KOSHER APPROVAL: Orthodox Union

E. INGREDIENT LEGEND:
Wheat flour bleached, malted barley flour, niacin, iron, potassium bromate, thiamin mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid.

F. CHEMICAL COMPOSITION (14.0% Moisture basis)G. TREATMENT:
1.Moisture14.0%Maximum1.Enriched2.Barley Malt
2.Protein14.2%+/- 0.3%3.Potassium Bromate
3.Ash0.54%+/- 0.03%
12 – 16 ppm
H. NUTRITION (Approx. per 100G)I. MICROBIAL GUIDELINES, Regarded as guidelines as opposed to controllable specifications
Calories360Standard Plate Count<50,000/g
Protein14.1gColiforms<500/g
Fat1.0gYeast<500/g
Saturated0.35gMold<500/g
MonoUnsaturated0.25gC.P Staph<10/g
PolyUnsaturated0.40gE. Coli<3/g
Carbohydrate72.8gSalmonellaNegative
Complex71.8g
Sugars1.0g
Dietary Fiber3.0g
Soluble2.0g
Insoluble1.0g
Thiamin (B1)0.64mg
Riboflavin (B2)0.40mg
Niacin5.30mg
Iron4.40mg
Folic Acid0.15mg
Sodium2mg
Potassium95mg
Phosphorus95mg
Calcium16mg

Of which, we will prepare a pizza of choice (with certain other provisions and restrictions) that will satisfy your palate.





This message was edited by Ken on 05/03/02 00:05.53.

How do I get there?        (He asked,Jeopardysiastically.)

The following is a little whimsy that brought to mind an old story. Please, read the joke first, it's sort of an apéritif.

A fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees.

After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there's something wrong with the saw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I'll begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am and cuts and cuts and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. The man is now convinced there is something wrong with the saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day. Okay, no problem, I'll take it back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man takes the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?"


Okay, now to my tale.

A number of years ago (too many really) there was a Scots chap at work who was, how shall I put it, not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer (bright as a blackout, as the wife would put it).

Having paid a visit to the "auld" country he was concerned about his car continually over heating so asked a colleague if he'd be kind enough to take a look at it. The answer was yes so a few days later the colleague turned up to take the car for a test drive.

Picture the scene. Colleague in drivers seat, Scots chap in the passenger side. Colleague starts car and proceeds to drive off... 1st gear, 2nd gear, 3rd gear, 4th gear at which point there was a sharp exclaimation from the Scots fellow.

"What did you do there!?"
"Just put it into 4th gear," came the rather bemused reply.
"You can't have," protested the Scotsman, "this car's only got three gears!"





This message was edited by djy on 05/03/02 10:56.35.

Excellent, djy!

I've heard that first joke a thousand times, and still love it! lol

And the second one ties nicely in with it!

...... hmmmm....... "not the sharpest knife in the drawer?"........ "one gear missing in the 'ol transmission"...... he he

G. :-)

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

And you thought blondes were dumb.

Greg,

Just to reiterate. The latter tale is a true story, as is this one...

Another Scotsman (oddly enough, we have quite a few living around here) had his elderly father-in-law living with him and his wife. To say there was no love lost between them (that's the two fellows) would be an understatement of epic proportions. They truly hated one another.

Anyway, came the day when the elderly gentleman had become too frail (and, perhaps too much to bear) so he was placed in a "home". All was well for a couple of weeks until one evening the son-in-law received a telephone call...

"Mr ******"?
"Yes."
"The is ******* from the home. About your father-in-law."
"Errr.... yeess...."
"I'm afraid I have to inform you that he escaped." (The mind boggles, doesn't it).
"WHAT?"
"He absconded, but don't worry, we've already found him. He was on the road to Ross (-on-Wye)."
"Oh, thank goodness for that! For one moment I thought he was coming in this direction.

This message was edited by djy on 05/04/02 04:18.30.

Some things to think about


1). Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

2). I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

3). Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

4). Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

5). Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

6). I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

7). Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

8). I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

9). God must love stupid people, he made so many.

10). The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

11). I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

12). Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

13). Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14). CAT ~ The Other White Meat!

15). Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!

16). I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!

17). "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

18). "Procrastinate Now"

19). "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"

20). "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do What I've Been Doing Since 15"

21). "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names"

22). "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

23). "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"

24). "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"

25). "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"

26). "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

27). "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"

28). "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"

29). "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"

30). "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory."

31). "The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it."

32.) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."

33). "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

34). "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

35). "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."

36). "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"

37). "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

38). "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."

39). "NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine."

40). "Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research."

41). "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!"

42).    PIFFLE ! ! !


Sorry 'bout that Guvnor, couldn't resist. But now I must off to work. :-( Be back 'bout 2:30ish, your time.