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The following page was printed from RemoteCentral.com:
Topic: | Jokes, Witticisms, Anecdotes, etc. This thread has 512 replies. Displaying posts 31 through 45. |
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Post 31 made on Wednesday May 1, 2002 at 01:43 |
Cyber Vixen Founding Member |
Joined: Posts: | July 2001 1,170 |
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HER SIDE/HIS SIDE
HER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
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Post 32 made on Wednesday May 1, 2002 at 03:11 |
kabster Founding Member |
Joined: Posts: | July 2001 1,606 |
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The fart one reminds me of the G/F lol beans and or cabage are not nice to her then I suffer . And she gets such a kick out of it .GRRRR
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Post 33 made on Wednesday May 1, 2002 at 05:17 |
djy RC Moderator |
Joined: Posts: | August 2001 34,761 |
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One does not win at "stickits" then, presumably.
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Post 34 made on Wednesday May 1, 2002 at 19:28 |
Cyber Vixen Founding Member |
Joined: Posts: | July 2001 1,170 |
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Lol well at least the woman has a good sense of humor Kab! :)
I know on Friday, one of my roomys brought a girl in the room - and all of us others (lol I share a room with 3 guys) farted her out of the room. It was so funny... well, at least my boozed ass thought so. :P
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Post 35 made on Wednesday May 1, 2002 at 22:11 |
MrKlaatu Loyal Member |
Joined: Posts: | May 2001 7,749 |
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking along side the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping franticallyand he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my ....." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man,a voice came out of the sky:"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out ofthis predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat ME as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, Bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
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Post 36 made on Wednesday May 1, 2002 at 22:46 |
Cyber Vixen Founding Member |
Joined: Posts: | July 2001 1,170 |
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Weight Loss Program
A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But lets see what they think they can do." He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.
The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weigh himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.
Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.
As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.
I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"
The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."
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Post 37 made on Wednesday May 1, 2002 at 22:52 |
Larry Fine Loyal Member |
Joined: Posts: | August 2001 5,002 |
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Two friends wer backpacking in the thick of the forest, when they heard a (similar, I imagine) rustling from beyond the clearing. They froze in their tracks and scanned the trees for the source of the sound.
Suddenly, a seven foot grizzly bear (maybe the same one) broke into their sight, sniffed their scent, and rose up on his hind legs and growled fiercely, moving menacingly in their direction.
They looked at each other for a moment, and then one knealt down slowly and reached into his backpack. To the amazement of his companion, he quietly removed his hiking boots and donned his running shoes.
As the bear moved ever closer, the still-standing hiker whispered to his friend, "Do you really think those shoes will help you run faster than a hungry grizzly bear???"
His buddy replied, "I don't have to run faster than the bear. I only have to outrun you!"
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Post 38 made on Thursday May 2, 2002 at 11:38 |
djy RC Moderator |
Joined: Posts: | August 2001 34,761 |
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Oh, very punny!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank... proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Post 39 made on Thursday May 2, 2002 at 14:27 |
Larry Fine Loyal Member |
Joined: Posts: | August 2001 5,002 |
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A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.
Ba-da-boom!
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Post 40 made on Thursday May 2, 2002 at 18:15 |
djy RC Moderator |
Joined: Posts: | August 2001 34,761 |
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Cows
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
HINDU CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
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Post 41 made on Thursday May 2, 2002 at 18:44 |
Cyber Vixen Founding Member |
Joined: Posts: | July 2001 1,170 |
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ROFL ROFL!!! Thats great!!!
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OP | Post 42 made on Thursday May 2, 2002 at 19:03 |
GregoriusM RC Consultant |
Joined: Posts: | December 1999 9,807 |
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Some pretty great stuff here, people! I'm getting some great laughs!
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When ignorance is bliss, ‘tis folly to be wise. |
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Post 43 made on Thursday May 2, 2002 at 21:57 |
Cyber Vixen Founding Member |
Joined: Posts: | July 2001 1,170 |
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If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh my God...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew...? Who cares! )
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)
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Post 44 made on Thursday May 2, 2002 at 22:09 |
BillyBob Joe JimBob Founding Member |
Joined: Posts: | July 2001 329 |
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SooooooooooooWEEEE!!!!!!!!!!
Hot dang chile........you wanna PIGsperience, 'cmon down mah wayz!!!!!!! Doan gotta BE a pig, to ak lahk won!
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Bork! Bork! Bork! |
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Post 45 made on Thursday May 2, 2002 at 22:26 |
Ken Founding Member |
Joined: Posts: | July 2001 1,933 |
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Three questions, Mr. Bob: 1. Are you related to Mr. Rhubarb? 2. Are you related to MrK? ...Something tells me I'm half right...
"There are three kinds of people in this world; those that can count, and those that can't." -as quoted from MrM in another thread.
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