The great Tommy Cooper. Whilst I cannot guarantee the following are attributable, they are certainly in his style...



Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

“Doctor, I can’t stop singing the green, green grass of home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It's not unusual.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let's have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he's really heavy.”

Man goes into the doctor’s. “Doctor, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
“How's that?”
“Don't you start.”

“Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.”
“Well you can't say fairer than that then.”

Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I went to the dentist. He said, “Say Aaah.”
I said, “Why?”
He said, “My dog’s died.”

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, “Who’s speaking please?” And a voice said, “You are.”

“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, “Is that the local swimming baths?” He said, “It depends where you're calling from.”

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said, “I want a skip outside my house.”
He said, “I’m not stopping you.”

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up. He said, “You've been promoted.” And I swerved. Then he rang up a second time and said, “You've been promoted again.” And I swerved again. He rang a third time and said, “You’re managing director”. And I went into a tree. Then a policeman came up and said, “What happened to you?” And I said,
“I careered off the road”.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said,
“I haven’t seen you in a long time”. The man replied,
“I know, I’ve been ill.”

A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more.”

I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

“I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant.
I said to this Chinese waiter, “Look, this chicken I got here is cold.” He said, “it should be, it's been dead two weeks.”
I said, “not only that” I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, “It's got one leg shorter than the other.” He said, “what do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it.” I said, “Forget the chicken, give me a lobster.” And he brought me this lobster. I said, “Just a minute, he's only got one claw.” He said, “Well, he’s been in a fight.” I said, “Well give me the winner.”

“I went to the doctors the other day and I said, “Have you got anything for wind?” So he gave me a kite.”

”I went to the doctor and I said, “It hurts when I do that.” He said, “Well, don’t do it.”

My wife phoned me just before the show and she said, “I’ve got water in the carburettor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the river.”

Oh, what a day I've had... I went to see the doctor today. I had to he’s ill.
And he said to me, “Can I help you?” And I said, “Yes. I keep dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away... these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away.” So he said, “What do you want me to do?” And I said, “Break my arms.”

”Ooh, my feet are killing me... Every night they grab me around the throat.”

I saw this girl across the room. I cocked one eye at her, she cocked one eye at me. There we stood, cock-eyed.

It’s strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaagghhhh!’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

He said, “I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.” I thought, ‘That's a turn-up for the books.’

So I went down my local ice-cream shop and said, “I want to buy
an ice-cream.”. He said, Hundreds & thousands?” I said, “We’ll start
with one.” He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said, “I do get a certain
amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.”


You many also like to know that Sir Anthony Hopkins is/was the chairman of the Tommy Cooper Appreciation Society (and does an extremely good impersonation).

Hannibal Lecture in a Fez... the mind boggles.

LOL, djy. Some corny. Some dry. But very funny! :-)

A few sporting quotes (admittedly UK based but I think you'll get the drift).

"And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago."
(David Coleman)

"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem."
(Howard Wilkinson)

"It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs."
(David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite."
(Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought."
(Bobby Robson)

"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand."
(David Coleman)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."
(Ian Rush)

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."
(Ted Lowe)

"Ah! Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play."
(Peter Lorenzo)

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised."
(Ian McNail)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(Ron Atkinson)

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost."
(Frank Bruno)

"Henry Horton's got a funny stance. It looks as if he's shittingona sooting stick." (Brian Johnstone)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes."
(David Coleman)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people."
(David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
(Murray Walker)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
(Stuart Pearce)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter)

"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running."
(Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker)

"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales."
(Ron Greenwood)

"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin."
(Jo Sheldon)

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation."
(Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect."
(Ted Lowe)

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him."
(Stuart Pearson)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."
(Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables)

"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge."
(John Snagge - Boat Race)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round."
(Tony Crozier)

My apologies to any Polish people who take offense to this. Any Polish people I know always laugh at a good joke, even if it pokes fun at themselves! :-)

Fill in "blonde" wherever you see Polish if you have a problem with the joke.

If you're a blonde Polish person I apologize doubly!

Does everyone have Polish Sausage in their whereabouts?

---------

Polish Sausage???


A guy goes into the store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you, if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"

"Or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?

"Or if I had asked for taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Huh? Would ya??"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

With deep self righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why the HELL did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"

The clerk says, "Because this is a hardware store."

Greg;

Blonde Sausage!!!????

I dunno 'bout that!    

I'm not going to touch that one with a ten foot Pole!

Pun intended! ;-)

Two blondes were siding a house.

One comes running up to the other and says,"This box of nails is defective! Half of the nails have the points on the wrong end!"

The other one says,"You dummy! They're for the other side of the house!"

Try here and here.

This message was edited by djy on 04/15/02 09:13.30.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory--I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!

Federal Aviation Administration
> 800 Independence Avenue SW
> Washington, DC 20591
>
Dear Sirs,
I have a solution for the prevention of airplane hijackings, and at the same time, getting our airline industry back on its feet. Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we
should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman. And of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, in hopes of seeing a naked woman. We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record sales. Now why didn't Congress think of this?
>
> Sincerely,
>
> William J. Clinton

"i was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!" "why shouldn't i?" he said. i said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" he said, "like what?" i said, "well...are you religious or atheist?" he said, "religious." i said, "me too! are you christian or buddhist?" he said, "christian." i said, "me too! are you catholic or protestant?" he said, "protestant." i said, "me too! are you episcopalian or baptist?" he said, "baptist!" i said,"wow! me too! are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?" he said, "baptist church of god!" i said, "me too! are you original baptist church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?" he said,"reformed baptist church of god!" i said, "me too! are you reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915?" he said, "reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!" i said, "die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. " - emo phillips

PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
by Peter C. Olsen
A bold new proposal for matching
high-technology people and professions

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Sales People don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

Software sales people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

VALIDATION
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent confidence in statistics.

'Print Screen' for Blondes

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Man Who Loved Baked Beans


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.