almost

I think I can.
If I don't screw myself up, again!

The movie company Warner Brothers threatened to sue Groucho Marx for giving his newest film the title "A Night in Casablanca" because it was too similar to their Bogart-Bergman film Casablanca.
In response, the ascerbic Groucho growled back, "I'll sue you for using the word ‘Brothers'.

---

A boy and his date were parked on a backroad some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads. Suddenly, the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier,but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," said the sultry young blonde.
The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver,and the fare back to town is $25."

---

"Carefully study these two enlarged photos, Senator Johnston," said the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel, to his client on the witness stand.
"And indicate to the jury which is your ass and which is a hole in the ground."

---

Q. How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two - One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

---

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those that know binary and those that don't.

---

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah,that monkey can program in C -very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming,Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."

---

A man is sitting at home one night. Suddenly, there's a loud knock at the door.The man opens the door to find a six-foot stag beetle standing at the doorstep. "What the hell is this?" he asks.
The beetle responds by attacking the man viciously, with a flurry of kicks and punches. Then the beetle leaves.
The man crawls into his house and calls an ambulance. At the hospital, the emergency room intern asks him how it happened. The guy tells him about the beetle.
"Yes," the doctor says, with an understanding nod. "There’s a nasty bug going around at the moment."

---

The Dean of Engineering was once asked, "What's the difference between Engineers and Mathematicians?
He replied, the best way to demonstrate is to use an example;
Take four engineers and four mathematicians and put them in a room with their backs to the wall, on the other side of the room, are eight beautiful ladies.The task is to kiss the ladies. The requirement is for each team to transverse one-half the distance and stop repeatedly until they reach the other side.
The mathematicians threw up their arms in disgust and left saying that everyone knows that you will never get there since there are infinite steps between any two points.
The engineers were busily engaged and when asked, they replied,"You can get close enough for all practical purposes".

---

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

Man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers.

Barman: Do you know you've got a steering wheel down your trousers?

Man: Yes, and it's driving me nuts!

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

---

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees,the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way ofmaking a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber fo r$100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Teaching Math in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es.............

39

not really a joke, but thought this was very funny, read the post carefully (even what is in he quote box) [Link: remotecentral.com]

Yes, Anthony, it IS a joke.

I'm laughing away here. Can you believe it? :-/

Nope . . . sorry, Gorgeous.......I just can't picture you laughing.

Thread-purging in process.
Stand by, please

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

A lecturer stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
Front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the lecturer then picked up a box of gravel and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The gravel rolled into the open areas between golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was. The lecturer next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The lecturer then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the lecturer, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The gravel is the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the gravel or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are significant to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get health checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house, and repair the disposal.
"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The lecturer smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,

A Troubled User.

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding 'General Partnership Faults'! (GPFs.) Your Wife 1.0 does a scan for GPFs during it's monthly program maintenance scan (PMS). You must assume joint responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPFs are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YESDEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you share the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), and Do Bills 4.2. You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen.
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,

Tech Support.