One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One
little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A
talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned
over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl
replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on micrpophone . "Yes, and my Mom
says it's a bitch to iron."

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know,"explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
didn't move."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are
you teaching my son in math? The teacher replied, "Right now, we are
learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing,
she answered, "What I
taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane
Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't
you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother
says I'm not."

A little boy walks into his parents bedroom to see his Mom on top of his Dad boucing up and down. The mother sees her son and quickly dismounts.
Worried about what her son has seen she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "what were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies, "well you know your dad has a big tummy so sometimes i have to get on top of it to flatten it."
"Your wasting your time", replies the son.
"why is that?", asks his mom puzzled.
"well, when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up!"

A man and his wife are fooling around and, neither having had any birth-control measures, he goes into the bathroom to get a condom.

Suddenly, his little boy wanders in, all sleepy-eyed, and asks, "Dad, what are you doing?"

The father, being in an excited state, bends over to hide his erection, and says, "I'm looking for a mouse."

To which the boy replies, "What are you going to do with it when you find it; f**k it?"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute"