Correct, you're no Sherlock Holmes . . . no Sherlock Holmes. Goodness me . . . me . . . me. There's an echo . . . echo, in here . . . here. Hang on . . . on whilst I shut . . . shut the door . . . door . . . door . . . door. Ah, that's better.

Anyway, I don't mean to offend, but you obviously didn't detect the sibilants in his (yes, don’t be fooled, this is definitely a male we’re talking about) voice that clearly indicate he's telling porky pies. Furthermore, his colonial twang almost certainly emanates from south of the US/Canadian border. However, that doesn't mean to say he is actually living in the USA, or is indeed residing on the American continent.

My considered belief is that he's an ex-pat American, living in Lichtenstein; aged between 36 and 37; is 6' 1" tall; has blue eyes; short brown hair (going slightly grey); is a little overweight; and walks with a slight limp (from an injury sustained rescuing a small child from the path of a runaway car whilst on holiday in San Francisco in 1997). He prefers to wear blue Levi jeans, but is having to make do with black; is quite partial to the odd bottle of Merlot and drinks far too much coffee. Finally, he is presently unattached (divorced twice), has no dependents and whilst seemingly a lonely person he is content in the company of his two Siberian Hamsters; Southern and Comfort.

As for the TV he is after, I would suggest he obtain a 42” HD capable widescreen plasma (the height being roughly the size of a 36” 4x3). Then, in best Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen tradition, have a sheet of 10mm (mustn’t be too thick) MDF laser cut into the shape of a 36” 4x3. Attach to plasma (e.g. PVA glue and 2" no.8 Pozidriv countersunk screws) then trompe l’œil the image of tv cabinet on to the MDF.

Bob’s your uncle, a 4x3 hi def plasma.