"Boarding this vessel is an act of war. Ergo we surrender."
- Rimmer

"All in all, 100% succesfull trip."
"But sir, we lost Mr Rimmer."
"All in all, 100% succesfull trip."
- Cat & Kryten

"I owe Mr.Lister everything sir, if it wasn't for him, I'd be normal."
- Kryten

"What's it feel like?"
"Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans."
- Rimmer describes death to Lister

"My answer in answering the question: "What does the red spectrum tell us about quasars?" Write bigger. There are various words that need to be defined: what is a spectrum, what is a red one, why is it red, and why is it so frequently linked with quasars? What the hell is a quasar?"
- Rimmer has another bad exam

"After intensive investigation (comma) of the markings on the alien pod (comma) it has become clear (comma) to me (comma) that we are dealing (comma) with a species of awesome intellect (colon)."
"Good. Perhaps they might be able to give you a hand with your punctuation."
- Rimmer and Holly

Don't try and explain it, Lister. I don't know why I'm even surprised. Everyone always leaves me in the end. Girls, parents... I had a pet lemming once. I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall so he could hurl himself over it. He didn't want for anything. I'll never forget one Christmas I put my finger in his cage to give him some mince pie. He bit me! He sunk his teeth right into my fingers and wouldn't let go. In the end I had to smash his brains out against the wall. That little lemming broke my heart. The little git completely ruined my helicopter wallpaper.
- Rimmer

Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.
- Holly

"This is crazy! Why are we talking about going to bed with Wilma Flintstone....she'll never leave Fred and we know it. "
- Lister

As far as I can see it, we have two options: One, we take it on and kill it; or Two, run away. Who's for Two?
- Rimmer

Pub: ah, yes, a meeting place where people attempt to reach advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.
- Kryten

If we're talking about famous firsts - my first french kiss. It's gotta be a killer story. Fourteen years old. We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his daughters. Sixteen. Twins. Blonde. Now I knew that Sarah fancied me, but I wasn't too sure about Alice. Anyway, middle of the night, I wake up with this tongue stuck down my throat. Wide awake now - I couldn't beleive my eyes. It was Uncle Frank! He'd got the wrong room - he thought I was my mum!
- Rimmer

It's the old, old story: Droid meets Droid, Droid becomes Chameleon, Droid loses Chameleon, Chameleon turns into Blob, Droid gets Blob back again, Blob meets Blob, Blob goes off with Blob, and Droid loses Blob, Chameleon, and Droid. How many times have we seen that story?
- Kryten

"The question is: Can we turn him back again?"
"The question is: Do we want to?"
- Cat & Rimmer, after Lister is turned into a chicken

This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment.
- Kryten

"Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive."
"Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance you metal bastard." "
- Kryten and Rimmer

"Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast!"
"How 'bout a muffin?"
"Or muffins! Or muffins! We don't like muffins around here! We want no muffins, no toast, noteacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks!"
"Aah, so you're a waffle man!"
- Lister and Talkie Toaster

"But there are fifty-three doors between here and the science room! What on Earth are we going to do?"
"Hey, I got it! We laser our way through!"
"An excellent suggestion, Sir, with just two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers, and two, we don't have any lasers."
- Lister, Cat and Kryten

"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast."
- 'Ace' Rimmer

"Purple alert! Purple alert!"
"What's a purple alert?"
"Well, it's like not as bad as a red alert, but a bit worse than a blue alert -- sort of a mauve alert."
- Lister and Holly

"Maybe we should drop the defensive shields?"
"A superlative suggestion sir, with only two drawbacks: one, we don't have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields. I know that, technically, that's only one drawback, but it was such a big one I thought I'd mention it twice"
- Cat & Kryten

"They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!"
"Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back!"
- Kryten & Cat

"Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say? Life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen, I am here to give your lives... meaning."
- Dr. Langstrom

"Ten o'clock change-over anything to report? "
"We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf sir, almost 24 hours behind now, other than that, it's been a moderately quiet shift, except for one small shock a couple of hours ago when we noticed an alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow, thankfully it turned out to be one of Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on the radar screen."
- Rimmer & Kryten

"Step up to red alert. "
"Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
- Rimmer & Kryten

Open communications channels Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh.
- Rimmer

( Kryten has been changed from a mech-anoid to a human, and is discussing it with Lister )
L: Any problems?
K: Well, just one or two. In fact I've compiled a little list if you'll indulge me. Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a zoom function.
L: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
K: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
L: Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
K: I see. Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object. All right, okay. Well, what about other optical effects, like split screen, slow motion ?
L: No. We don't have them.
K: You don't have them -- just the zoom? Hmm. Well, no, that's fine, that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great. Now then, my nipples don't work.
L: Er, in what way `don't work'?
K: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to, uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
L: Human nipples don't do that, Kryten.
K: I see. Fine. Ah: recharging. Now, I presume that, uh, when a human wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids do. Indeed, I have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some strange reason it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaption. Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor? because, no matter what do, the lead just keeps falling out.
L: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
K: Hmm. Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something. Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject – not the sort of thing we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
L: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out, man.
K: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss our reproductive system without adolescent sniggering?
L: Yeah, of course we can.
K: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid] Well?
L: `Well' what?
K: Well, what do you think?
L: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
K: I want to know: is that normal?
L: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No, it's not!
K: Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
L: Well, yeah.
K: It's hideous! That's the best design they could come up with? Are you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said "Ah, there, that's it. That's the shape we're looking for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop look"? Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of This' with one of those stashed in his slacks?
L: Well, yeah.
K: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode! Ugh. Now, take a look at this [hands Lister polaroid. Lister rotates it several times, perplexed] and this. [hands Lister second polaroid. Lister holds them side-by-side, then top to bottom. Sudden shock] Now why do you suppose that happened?
L: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
K: Well, nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through an electrical-appliance catalogue. I came across the section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
L: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other. You shouldn't be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
K: It *was* a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a self-emptying dustbag.
L: Kryten, I don't care what model it was. No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid. Do yourself a favour, man, change back.