Guy goes to his doctor and at the end of the exam says he needs advice.
'My wife don't enjoy sex the way we used to. Things aren't the same can you give me any help?"
The doctor thinks and says "My wife and I started playing a game and that helped. She'd take a donut and toss it at my erection, if she makes it around it, she gets to eat it off of me."
'That's awesome!" the patient says.
The doctor goes on saying "and I'll take some grapes and toss them at her privates, if I make it inside I get to remove them with my tongue."
The guys is scribling notes..."This is great, I can;t wait to get home!Thanks Doc!"
The patient gets out to his car, calls his wife and tells her he's got a great idea to spice up their love life. She's all excited and asks for the secret. He says "I'm not telling, but I'm on my way to the grocery store for Cheerios and grapefruit".
brian
feed a dog and he will not bite you. this is the principal difference between a man and a dog. Mark Twain
Today's maths (or math, for those over the pond) lesson.
To find a woman take time and money, thus:
Woman = Time x Money
But we also know that time is money, thus:
Woman = Money x Money or Money2
We also know that money is the root of all problems, thus:
Money = √Problems
Since we now know that woman equals money squared, and that money equals the root of all problems, we can now perform a quick transposition to find that:
An old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a F****** current account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, stupid. I said I want to open a F****** current account now!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank"
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no F****** problem," the man says. I just won £50 million pounds on the F****** euro lottery and I want to put my F****** money in this F****** bank."
" I see, " says the manager " and is this bitch giving you a hard time? "
Guy walking on the beaches of LA finds a lamp, rubs it vigorously and a genie pops out. Bowing before him the genie says " I grant you one wish oh master. How may I please you"
Well, I get serious motion sickness from airtravel and ships, but I always wanted to go to Hawaii. Can you build me a bridge so I can drive to the big island?
The genie scratches his chin and says. "Well it'll have to cross into international waters so I'll have to get permission from every effected government, EPA considerations as well. It'll have to be strong enough survive strong ocean currents, incredible wind loads, deep pilings etc. I don't know, that sounds pretty impossible. Any other wishes?"
The new master thinks and says "You know I've always wanted to know how a woman thinks. What makes them tick. That's it. Give me complete understanding of a woman."
The genie puts his hands up and says "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
feed a dog and he will not bite you. this is the principal difference between a man and a dog. Mark Twain
Guy walking on the beaches of LA finds a lamp, rubs it vigorously and a genie pops out. Bowing before him the genie says " I grant you one wish oh master. How may I please you"
Well, I get serious motion sickness from airtravel and ships, but I always wanted to go to Hawaii. Can you build me a bridge so I can drive to the big island?
The genie scratches his chin and says. "Well it'll have to cross into international waters so I'll have to get permission from every effected government, EPA considerations as well. It'll have to be strong enough survive strong ocean currents, incredible wind loads, deep pilings etc. I don't know, that sounds pretty impossible. Any other wishes?"
The new master thinks and says "You know I've always wanted to know how a woman thinks. What makes them tick. That's it. Give me complete understanding of a woman."
The genie puts his hands up and says "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
The guy says "A Dollar!?! I can buy a keg for $70 and get 140 beers out it. You're raping me man. Plus I could make my own beer for like .10C a glass. It's something I enjoy doing in my spare time"
"Sorry Pal, I had to pay for that barstool you're sittin' on and the lights, those cute little waitress uniforms and everything you see in here and rent."
"I'm disgusted. Hell, you're probably making $30 an hour off of that damn juke box. You should be able to sell a beer for cost and make it up on the juke box."
"I'd be broke in 2 days"
"Well maybe you shouldn't be in this business."
"huh?"
Waiting for the punch line? Look below.....
The guy keeps walking into the same bar every few hours every day for ever just to keep proving his point, and making damn sure everyone else in the bar hears him too...ugh.
feed a dog and he will not bite you. this is the principal difference between a man and a dog. Mark Twain
Guy walks into a bar...... Says to bar keep: "give me any thing but rum!" Barkeep answers with a fresh vodka, man drinks, goes home. Next day, guy walks in, "any thing but rum!" Barkeep answers with a fresh scotch, man drinks, goes home. Third day, guy walks in, "anything but rum!" Barkeep answers with a fresh whiskey, man drinks, turns to leave, and the barkeeps asks "The" question, hey man, why can't you have rum? The guy answers, "well, everytime i drink rum, i get a drunk, out of control and blow chunks.." The barkeep replies, "well, doesnt everyone!" ***And the answer is-------------*** Guy replies, "well, my dogs name is chunks"....
Old lady walks into the Pharmacy. She asks the pharmacist if he has something that can make her husband a little more "affectionate". He says, "Sure do. I have this little blue pill that will certainly do the trick." The old lady asks, " Can you get it over the counter?". He said, "If I take two of them I can!"
I long for a better world. One in which a chickens motives will not be questioned when mearly crossing the road.
After getting all of Pope Benedict XVI luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope," they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. " Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the ******* Pope as a chauffeur!!
A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, tell me, why are you a Manchester United Fan?"
"Because my mum is a Manchester United fan, and my dad is a Manchester United fan, so I'm a Manchester United fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone of voice, "that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
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