A brand new store has just opened in London that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:-

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Why I fired my Secretary.



Last week was my birthday

and I didn't feel very well

waking up on that morning.



I went downstairs for breakfast

hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me.



As it turned out,

she barely said good morning,

let alone

" Happy Birthday."



I thought...



Well, that's marriage for you,

but the kids...

They will remember.



My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low

and somewhat despondent.



As I walked into my office,

my secretary Jane said,

"Good Morning Boss,

and by the way

Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better

that at least someone had remembered.



I worked until one o'clock ,

when Jane knocked on my door

and said, "You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday,

what do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day.

Let's go !"



We went to lunch.

But we didn't go

where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro

with a private table.

We had two martinis each

and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.



On the way back to the office,

Jane said, "You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"



I responded,

"I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?"

She said,

"Let's drop by my apartment,

it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,

Jane turned to me and said,

" Boss, if you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment.

I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.



She went into the bedroom and,

after a couple of minutes,

she came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed

by my wife,

my kids,

and dozens of my friends

and co-workers,

all singing "Happy Birthday".





And I just sat there...







On the couch...







Naked.

3-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull,
"they're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This ends the 3-minute management course .

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the

stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from

humanity as possible.


He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.



After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his

door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.



"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a

Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About

5:00."



"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some

local folks. Thank you."



As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."



"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink

with the best of 'em."



Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be

some fightin' too."



"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks

again."



"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"



"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've

been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,

what should I wear?"



"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."

An excellent run there Industria! Kudos to you my good man. Martinis for everyone, on me!

A brash hunter bent on killing the biggest things he can get in his sights goes to Alaska to find the biggest damn Kodiak bear he can find.

After 2 weeks of stealthily tracking a beastly 1200 pounder he loses him at dusk one evening. Disappointed he heads back to camp and the bear surprises him in a clearing. He raises his massive paw, mashes the guy into the ground, flips him around like a rag doll, his clothes in shreds from the sharp claws. The bear jumps on his back and rapes him mercilessly but spares his life.

The next summer the hunter returns, revenge having tormented him for a year now. Finally he finds, then tracks the same bear for a week. Losing him once again, he heads back to camp only to be surprised again. The same brutallity ensues and the poor hunter is forced into the bears perverse servitude but spares his life again.

A year later, the hunter is focused on one thing only; killing the bear. Tracking him once again for a week or so he loses him again in the dense forest and though his return to camp is so cautious, he finds himself, bleeding, bruised and battered, forced into sexual submission.

Another year goes by and blind rage fills his every thought. A week in the Alaskan tundra goes without spotting his tormentor. Frustrated he heads back to camp and the bear once again suprises him, knocks him to the ground and begins his assault. As the bear is having his way with the hunter, the bear suddenly stops and quietly whispers in the hunters ear...



"You don't come here for the hunting do you?"

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time
management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tippex thinners. You probably
Got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when
You put your ear down real close?

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at
your

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "Amen "

Young Paddy O'toole is stumbling home drunk from his nightly dousing of ale, he falls into a ditch on the side of the road and his kilt winds up in such a postion as to expose his manhood.

Early the next morning two teenage school girls are on their way to class and upon seeing Paddy's display decide to play a small trick on him. One of the girls removes a tiny blue ribbon from her hair and ties it snugly around his member.

As the sun gets higher and hotter, Paddy wakes up and scratches his sore throbbing head, then reaches down to scratch his other one. Feeling the foreign object down there he looks down to see the blue ribbon and he says out loud, "I don't where you were last night laddy, but it looks like we won first prize!"

Little Johnny is in maths class and the teacher asks a maths question:
“If there are five birds sitting on a fence and the farmer comes out with a gun and shoots one, how many birds will there be left on the fence?”
Little Johnny puts up his hands to answer the questions.
“Miss, there will be none left, they will all fly away when they hear the gun shot”

The teacher says “No Johnny, There will be four left, but I like the way you think”.

So little Johnny asks the Teacher a question
“There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is biting, the other is licking, and the third is shoving it down her throat, which one is the married one?”

The teacher answers “I don’t know, the one shoving the whole lot down her throat?”

To which little Johnny replies “no, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think!”

dammit your hard to top

Jungle rat is horny as hell...

He comes to this female jungle rat and says "Hey beby how's about you and me have a little fun tonight?" She tells him to buzz.

Primal urges as they are, he continues his search.

Jungle rat comes across a gazelle and says "Hi Sweetheart, 'suppose we go behind that tree over there and make love, rrrrrrawrrrr". "Get lost twerp".

Man this guy's horny...

Jungle rat comes across a cape buffalo "Ay Chihuaha, you looks awesome tonight! Shall we stir the ocean of love together my dear?" "Forget it loser!"

Like a rat on a pogo stick this guy "needs it".

Jungle rat comes upon an elephant and asks desperately "C'mon baby I need it NOW!" Ms. Elephant say "Sure honey, climb aboard!".

Jungle rat scurries up the elephant's back leg, positions himself carefully and then starts going to town on her. As he's pumping furriously a coconut falls out of a tree and whacks the elephant on the back of the head. "Owwww! Hey!" She screams.

Jungle rat gets a big smile on his face and moans "Suffer Bitch".

It's the end of the school year, the teacher has written her reports, and there's really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because it's Friday afternoon and not much is happening. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.

" Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever- that answer's mine . . ." The teacher asked, "Who said `Four Score and Seven Years Ago . . .'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln". The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go".

Johnny was mad.

The teacher asked, "Who said, `I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go".

Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said `Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go".

Johnny was fuming. Suddenly Johnny shouted from the back of the class, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut". The teacher asked, "Who said that?"

Johnny answered, "BILL CLINTON, SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!!!"

Back when the Clinton's were in the White House, a day came when HIllary was coming trough the back gate.

Outside the gate there was a little girl with a box on the side of the road. On the box was written in 3rd grade crayon, "Puppies 4 sale".

Hillary pulled up in the limo, rolled her window down and asked about the puppies, The little girl replied "Would you like to buy some Democrat puppies?" Hillary said "Oh how cute, sorry honey, we already have a dog."

The next day, Hillary's pulling in again at the same gate, and there's the little girl. "Democrat puppies for sale, please help." "Sorry sweetie"

Again the following day Hillary's limo gets to the back gate and Hillary is asked, "Would you like to buy some Democrat puppies?" Her heart just as touched as before, she says "I'll ask my husband and see what we can do".

Later that day she talks to Bill, "Honey there is this cute little girl outside and she's selling these puppies. She calls them Democrat puppies!" Bill replies "Awwwwww, that's so cute. Let's buy one, we'll get it tomorrow."

The next day Bill and Hillary walk down to the back gate and there she is with her box of puppies. "Hi Sweetie, we'd like buy one of your Democrat puppies." Bill and Hillary smile at each other, pleased with themselves.

The girl says "I'm sorry but all I have is Republican puppies now."

Hillary looks in the little girl's box and says "But Honey, what happened to the Democrat puppies, those all look the same to me."

" Well....they were Democrat puppies but now their eyes are open!"



They didn't buy one.

Satan vists the church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."