The great Tommy Cooper. Whilst I cannot guarantee the following are attributable, they are certainly in his style...
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant.
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
“Doctor, I can’t stop singing the green, green grass of home.” “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” “It's not unusual.”
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let's have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he's really heavy.”
Man goes into the doctor’s. “Doctor, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside. “How's that?” “Don't you start.”
“Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.” “Well you can't say fairer than that then.”
Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
So I went to the dentist. He said, “Say Aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog’s died.”
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, “Who’s speaking please?” And a voice said, “You are.”
“So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, “Is that the local swimming baths?” He said, “It depends where you're calling from.”
“So I rang up a local building firm, I said, “I want a skip outside my house.” He said, “I’m not stopping you.”
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think its Colin.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up. He said, “You've been promoted.” And I swerved. Then he rang up a second time and said, “You've been promoted again.” And I swerved again. He rang a third time and said, “You’re managing director”. And I went into a tree. Then a policeman came up and said, “What happened to you?” And I said, “I careered off the road”.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said, “I haven’t seen you in a long time”. The man replied, “I know, I’ve been ill.”
A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more.”
I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
“I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, “Look, this chicken I got here is cold.” He said, “it should be, it's been dead two weeks.” I said, “not only that” I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, “It's got one leg shorter than the other.” He said, “what do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it.” I said, “Forget the chicken, give me a lobster.” And he brought me this lobster. I said, “Just a minute, he's only got one claw.” He said, “Well, he’s been in a fight.” I said, “Well give me the winner.”
“I went to the doctors the other day and I said, “Have you got anything for wind?” So he gave me a kite.”
”I went to the doctor and I said, “It hurts when I do that.” He said, “Well, don’t do it.”
My wife phoned me just before the show and she said, “I’ve got water in the carburettor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the river.”
Oh, what a day I've had... I went to see the doctor today. I had to he’s ill. And he said to me, “Can I help you?” And I said, “Yes. I keep dreaming these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away... these beautiful girls keep coming towards me and I keep pushing them away.” So he said, “What do you want me to do?” And I said, “Break my arms.”
”Ooh, my feet are killing me... Every night they grab me around the throat.”
I saw this girl across the room. I cocked one eye at her, she cocked one eye at me. There we stood, cock-eyed.
It’s strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘Aaaaagghhhh!’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
He said, “I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.” I thought, ‘That's a turn-up for the books.’
So I went down my local ice-cream shop and said, “I want to buy an ice-cream.”. He said, Hundreds & thousands?” I said, “We’ll start with one.” He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said, “I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.”
You many also like to know that Sir Anthony Hopkins is/was the chairman of the Tommy Cooper Appreciation Society (and does an extremely good impersonation).
