Question:
What is a bastard exactly?

Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like,
"What is a bastard"?

We wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the one of the few truisms in life, is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

In the photo following, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.

The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.

Women's Lib protest... (check out the guy at the back!)

OK now you're resorting to pictures which means you're outta material pal...

Ha! It's been a long week.. Roll on Monday for some fresh gags!
Don't want to give away all my best material too quickly now do I?!

SHit you have more? C'mon, man I'm running dry over here.

FWIW, I haven't pulled jokes from anywhere but my ailing memory. Somebody else needs to join in here!

You;re the man Justin. BTW, my best emplyee's name is Justin....

Thanks for the compliments Brian! Most are from memory but others are shared by friends and family and I am merely passing them on to brighten up somebody elses day as thy have done for me when I receive them!
Here's Mondays offering...
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied:
"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but didn’t have much financial acumen.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability allowance and I wish I were comfortably wealthy.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
Immediately her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings within that had been dormant for years.

Then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said: "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing flash of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone just as suddenly as she came.

For a few eerie moments Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair and held her close in his muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered."

See that's the great thing! Every time you put one down it reminds me of another one. You'll notice that trend in our little competition here...

Ol' Tex is out on the ranch one day riding high on his trusty horse and tending to his herd of cattle. He comes upon a stream on the back 40 and lets his horse stop for a drink.

As he sits there patiently a vision emerges from the stream and the ghostly apparition states that he has magical spririts and is willing to grant him three wishes.

"Well" Tex says rubbing his doughy chin, "I've never been a hansome man, so I'd like to have rugged good looks like Clint Eastwood did back in his day."

"OK" says the ghost.

"As you can tell I'm built like a sumo wrestler and would like a thin muscular body, kinda like Brad Pitt in "Fight Club".

"No problem" says the ghost. "Anything else?"

Tex thinks a little longer, gets a big smile then says, "well I'd like to be equipped between my legs like my horse here. Proportional to a man's size though"

"Easy as pie" says the ghost. "When you wake up tomorrow morning, all your wishes will have come true."

The next morning Tex wakes up, jumps outta bed and dashes to the mirror to see if his wishes came true. Sure enough, staring himself in the mirror was rugged, handsome man just like Clint Eastwood. He peeled off his pajama top and his body, my goodness had the host delivered! He flexed his muscles and posed, looking quite admiringly at himself. Finally he closed his eyes and ran his hands down the front of his pajamas when he suddenly screamed "OH MY GAWD!" Crying uncontrollably "I forgot I was riding Bessie yesterday!"

I see what you mean Brian! Here's one that I remembered after reading your latest offering..

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

You're gonna love this! just read it in abook I'm reading...credit to Bob Morris "Jamaica Me Dead".

This squid walks into a jazz club and sits down at the bar. Bartender trys to throw the squid out, but the squid protests. "My good man, I'll have you know that I'm a very talented musician."

Couple of musicians sitting at the bar snicker at each other and one says "I've got 50 bucks says you can't play a lick." He slams a $50 bill on the bar, pulls out a guitar and hands it to the squid.

The squid studies it for a second then starts playing like Jimi friggin' Hendrix. Every one's jaw is on the floor "That's amazing!" says another musician sitting at the bar. He pulls out a trumpet and slams a $50 bill on the bar and says "I've got 50 bucks says you can't play this trumpet."

The squid picks up the trumpet and starts blowing like Loius Armstrong and everyone is clapping now. "Wow he's really good!"

The bartender says "I got something for ya'" and disappears into the back room and comes back out a couple minutes later with a set of bagpipes. He hands it to the squid who examines it for a few moments than starts flipping the thing around inspecting it from every angle.

The bartender says "well aren't you gonna play it?"

The squid looks up briefly, "Play it? I'm gonna F**K it, soon as I can get it outta these pajamas."

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Algonquin Park recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works." "O.K. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious. The man poured the fish in to the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?" the man asked!

Game warden spots a notorious poacher on the lake. Pulls his boat up beside the other guys boat and notices a boat full of fish and the guy has his hands behind his back. The game warden steps into the other boat and says "OK Cletus, you been dynamite fishing again haven't you?"

"Uh, no Officer Bill."

"Show me your hands"

Cletus pulls his hands out from behind his back and he's got a lighter in one hand and a stick of dynamite with a rock tied to it in the other.

"Damnit Cletus, you know fishin' with dynamite is a crime. I'm gonna have to arrest you again"

"But I had to Officer Bill."

"No you didn't. Now hand over the dynamite."

Cletus holds out the dynamite and just as Officer Bill takes it, Cletus lights the stick. They both look down at the descending fuse for a moment.

"Well Officer Bill, are you just gonna sit there or are you gonna fish?"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After their tent is all set up, they fell sound asleep.
One hour later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo-Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo-Sabe, you dumb ass. Someone stole tent."

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

see dude, i'm completely outta material, i mean...i have some old jokes but i know you've heard em all already.

I'm starting to run dry myself.. Sometime the old ones are the best?! I'll try recalling some of the golden oldies so.. I'm still surprised there have been little or no other contributions this wondeerful thread?! Come on guys..