BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART:


SYMPTOM:Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM:Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION:See above.

SYMPTOM:Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM:Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION:Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her housetraining.

SYMPTOM:Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION:Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM:Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION:Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM:Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:Cover mouth.


This message was edited by djy on 07/14/02 08:33.07.

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...

faster...

faster...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on the heels of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything ... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ...

... the coffin stops.

One day, a recently graduated newly wed husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back ”Texas A&M University."


My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady. She then turned to a second woman and asked, "How far does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the reply. "All of our records were lost in the flood."

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car any more."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. About a month after that, the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

Real Country& Western Song Titles

"If You See Me Gettin' Smaller, It's Cause I'm Leavin' You"
"I'm the Only Hell Mama Ever Raised"
"When We Get Back to the Farm (That's When We Really Go to Town)"
"You Stuck My Heart in an Old Tin Can and Shot It Off a Log"
"Why Do You Believe Me When I Tell You That I Love You, When You Know I've Been a Liar All My Life?"


A married man goes to confession and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman ...almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put 50 dollars in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

Sexist joke:

Q: Why does it take longer for a woman to come than a man?

A: Who cares?


To make up for that one:

Q: What do a toilet, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common:

A: Most men miss them all!

One for Mike


Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas, & was asked to fill in as a judge at a Chilli cook-off. Apparently the original Judge No.3 called in sick at the last moment, & I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that it would be a fun event, a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, & besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli no.1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
ME: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli no.2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
ME: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off 3 people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chilli no.3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
ME: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chilli no.4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
ME: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chilli no.5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
ME: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted & 4 people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chilli no.6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice & peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions & garlic. Superb.
ME: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chilli no.7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
ME: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, & I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, & the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli no.8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell & pulled the chilli pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
ME: .....................
(editor's note: Judge no.3 was unable to report)

After you with the fire extinguisher!

It wasn't the cough, that carried him
off, it was the coffin, they carried
him off in.

The Joy of Marmite


I spread my Marmite sparingly, upon my buttered toast
Of all the things to put on bread, it's what I like the most.

Its flavour always feels warm, although it isn't hot
--Caustic like a chili sauce, it certainly is not

Approved by vegetarians, and good for your nutrition
Of what my Mum called savoury, the very definition.

Though made from lowly byproducts--leftover brewing ooze
It is so reminiscent of the finest of French stews

Such grand associations were surely what was meant
When so named by clever brewers from Burton on the Trent

Precisely what exquisite yeast do Marmite makers use
To lend such gourmet qualities to brewing residues?

  -- A.R.D. Pepper, March 1993

So, once I get my Marmite, I feel the right neighborly thing to do would be to send ya'll some good, wholsome Texas Chili. Gettin' it through Texas Customs won't be no problem, it's the Feds at the NRC I'm worried 'bout. Which "Flavor" would ya prefer?

That chili thing was great! I was laughing my ass off at work. Oh! And send some my way too Mike. :)

On its way.



Wotcha got?

Clothes Make The Man, Naked People Have Little Or No Influence On Society

damn this stuff is well funny !i had the whole family looking at me like i was a freak or something as i rolled on the floor laughing with tears running down my cheeks .djy's chilli story top draw stuff.jazzbo keep em coming

Let me taste the Marmite first . . . then I'll choose for you!

Bob, I think it may be the Grolsch talking!

They GOTTA be from another planet!

Wants and needs
HER - The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship
HIM - Food, sex, and beer

Communication
HER - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner
HIM - Jotting a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys

Butt
HER - The body part that all clothing makes "look bigger"
HIM - The organ of mooning and farting

Commitment
HER - A desire to get married and raise a family
HIM - Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend

Entertainment
HER - A good movie, concert, play or book
HIM - Anything with one ball, two fields, or three stooges

Flatulence
HER - An embarrassing byproduct of digestion
HIM - An endless source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding

Glass Ceiling
HER - The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the top in business
HIM - What would really be great since that hot babe works in the office above!

Making love
HER - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve
HIM - What men have to call "boinking" to get women to "boink"

Remote control
HER - A device for changing from one TV channel to another
HIM - A device for scanning through all 99 channel every 2 minutes

Taste
HER - Something you do to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good
HIM - Something you do to food you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out

Thingy
HER - Any part under a car's hood
HIM - The strapfastener on a woman's bra

Vulnerable
HER - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another
HIM - Playing ball without a cup

no i really love you mr k i love you like a brother i never had ( bursts into tears ) no i love you man i love you more than grolsch! ( projects a pavement pizza ) no really , i love you mate ( picks up another grolsch )

Blonde Cookbook

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors
were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but
I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of
lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up
to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all
ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have
been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,
everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some
reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash
of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the
controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY:
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for
tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to
surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

I'm no blonde...and I'm not very dumb... but that broad sounds as if shes at my level at cooking!