You Drink Too Much Coffee When

1Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.2You get a speeding ticket... even when you're parked.3You answer the door before people knock.4You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.5You have to watch videos in fast-forward mode.6You lick your coffeepot clean.7You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.8The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.9You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.10You can type 60 words per minute... with your feet.11Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."12You walk 20 miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.13When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up... 63 more, I'll have a cup!"14When someone says "How are you?" you say "Good to the last drop."15You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.16You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.17You don't tan, you roast.18You introduce your spouse as your "coffee mate."19You talk so fast your tongue has windburn.20You stand in front of the microwave oven screaming, "Hurry UP!!!"

Thoughts For The Day


Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I'm in shape... Well, round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I'm having an out of money experience.

Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life's mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.





This message was edited by djy on 05/08/02 11:51.13.

Perfidious Albion Strikes Again.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are walking along a beach together one day. They come across a lantern and, suddenly a genie pops out of it. 'I will give you each one wish,' says the genie.

The American says,'I am a farmer so I want the land to be fertile for ever.' With a blink of the genie's eye and a 'PHOOM!', the land in America was forever fertile for farming.

The Frenchman is amazed, so he says,'I want a wall around France, so no-one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of an eye,'POOF!' there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks,'I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The genie explains,'Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.'

The Englishman says, 'Fill it up with water.'

Some More British G.C.S.E. Clangers
They are all true (God help us). The spellings are as written.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they wrote in hydraulics. The climate of the Sarah is such the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book - Guinessis - Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without ant ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death,his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Tee Hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems, verses and literature.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." When she exposed herself before her troops they shouted "Hurrah."

Sir Waloter Raleigh is a historical figure. He invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100ft clipper.

The greatest writer was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He wrote tregedies, comedies and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a herioc couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. John Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticable in the autumn when apples are falling off the trees.

Johaan Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept in his attic.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which
ended her reign.

Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.

Oh, God, djy . . . . those are definitely the best of the lot. I'm still wiping my eyes!!!!!

The New Priest


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly
speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The
monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I
start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the
beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He
proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after
mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take
this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the
Cherry".

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Barbie's and Ken's Letter to Santa

BARBIE'S LETTER TO SANTA:

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the
perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December
and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it
to ya,' Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes
around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me,
you don't wanna be around to smell it.

These are my demands for Christmas 2002:
1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a
hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to
have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded
underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get
him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic
bump of a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway?
HELLO!?!
4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me
arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Doctor's and Lawyer's make real money.
8. A new, more 21st Century persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint
of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl
complexion.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years -I think I deserve a
piece of the action.

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think
these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself
a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

As ever,
Barbie


KEN'S LETTER TO SANTA:

Dear Santa:

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned
you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and
career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging
remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issue concerning
Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:
First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT
deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That
bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy,
have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us
do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a
limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms.
Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately
squashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my
lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore
my creative nature.


Some options which could be considered are: "Decorator Ken,""Beauty
Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be
considered are: "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West
Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and,
I believe, open up markets that have been under served.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I
need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable
knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while
the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal
action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she
can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last
night.


Sincerely,
Ken

Ken and Barbie, see: [Link: cgi.ebay.com]

Careful Larry. CV might start asking questions.

*ulp!*

Lol. You;re right Deej! I just might. :P

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN

**Dogs don't cry
**Dogs love it when your friends come over
**Dogs think you sing great
**A dog'd time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink
**The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
**Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs
**Dogs don't notice if you call them by an other dog's name
**Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away
**Anyone can get a good-looking dog
**Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor
**Dogs know that you have to raise your voice to make a point
**Dogs would rather have a hamburger than lobster
**You never have to wait for a dog - they're ready to go 24 hours
**Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry
**Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
**Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk

See. I wasn't the only on to find the link. And as for dogs. . .

1). Dogs don't cry.
I must remember to tell them that the next time they start whinging and moaning - which is usually every day (particularly if I take too long getting ready to take them for a walk).

2). Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Err. . . not necessarily. They're more likely to be pinned in a corner being barked and growled at (particularly if one happens to wear glasses).

3). Dogs think you sing great.
Well, I do!
Mandy! Take those socks out of your ears.

4). A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
. . .and the occasional bath/shower (and munch on bar of soap).

5). The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Well then, why did the mutt in "What Lies Beneath" sit around like a stuffed dummy for most of the film?

6). Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
But it's only flirting.

7). Dogs don't notice if you call them by an other dog's name.
I sometimes call them a lot of names, and not necessarily those of another dog.

8). Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Wish I could do the same with the kids.

9). Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
And they don't get offended if you call them a dog either.

10). Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
It's usually the dogs that do all the leaving.

11). Dogs know that you have to raise your voice to make a point.
Well wag a finger and they might think it's a snack.

12). Dogs would rather have a hamburger than lobster.
. . .and meatballs, and curry, and chicken tikka, and cake (of various types).

13). You never have to wait for a dog - they're ready to go 24 hours.
Not at two o'clock in the morning they're not.

14).Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry.
Don't be silly. They like the odd snack.

15). Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
I'd be a bit concerned if it were being done in private.

16). Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
It's usually the dogs that are the drunkards.




This message was edited by djy on 05/12/02 20:44.28.

The Baltimore Aquarium has had a long history of problems acquiring marine exhibits that will endure. When the Aquarium heard stories of a group of dolphins that lived for many years, they sent a team of marine biologists to investigate.

The biologists found the rumors were correct, some of the dolphins were very – very old. Part of the dolphins longevity, the biologists believe, was due to their diet. These dolphins only ate a particular species of seagull, and they only ate the baby seagulls.

The biologists captured a mating pair of dolphins and several pairs of adult seagulls, which they sent back to the aquarium by boat.

To feed the dolphins when they arrived they captured some baby seagulls and flew them back to Baltimore.

When the plane landed at BWI Airport the biologists were arrested.

When they asked why, they were told that they were being charged with transporting little gulls across state lines for immortal porpoises.

Bronze Rat

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's
Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a
detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so
interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner
what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a
thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take
the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the
bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of
the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into
step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins
to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more
rats come out and follow him.

By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are
at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even
faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm
from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the
waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts
to run for the bridge.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it
with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay
with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in
amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater
into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the
owner.

"No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any
bronze lawyers!"

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower upstairs. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife at the bathroom window, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his
eye, then points to his knee, and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE...THE RAKE." The wife nods that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left
breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, "What in the friggin' hell was THAT?" She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND -THE-BUSH!"