Mom's Affair

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."


A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

Actual School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

My mom used to write me notes like that. :\

But the worst thing she ever did to me (and this is a true story too) was durring haloween, my school sent home a flyer that said there would be a parade. My mom just figured that you were supposed to dress up. So she dressed me all up as a clown in the wig and the big suit and the face paint... probably pretty cute.

Anyways, she sent me to school and I was the only kid dressed up! I went to a privite Christian school and they didn't believe in dressing up for Halloween. The parade was for Jesus to teach us kids aganist the evils of pagen holidays.

:\ I didn't go back the next year.

lmao. Thats a great story. Hey at least you can look back on it and laugh right? Either that or stay up late nights and think of how tramatic it was and spend all your money on a therapist to get you through the trauma and pain and the hurt and blame it all on your mother....Eh, I think the laughing idea is better.

This guy decides to go into the coal-mining business, so he buys a coal mine and hires three men to work the mine: An Irishman, a German, and a Chinaman.

He instructs the Irishman to dig the coal, the German to bring the carts to the surface to dump the coal, and places the Chinaman in charge of supplies.

The new owner leaves for a few days. Upon his return, he finds the Irishman digging, and the German dumping, but sees no sign of the Chinaman.

He asks the two workers if they've seen the missing Chinaman, but they both say that they haven't seen him anywhere. They begin a search, all through the mine, and then around outside.

As they're going down the path leading away from the mine, calling, "Chinaman, Chinaman!", he suddenly leaps out from behind a tree and yells, "Suplise!"

This message was edited by Larry Fine on 08/09/02 03:14.01.

There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.

Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies, and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But lo and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out -- for a price.

The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.

The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast.

Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.

One day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she purred, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and replied, "Yeah. Got any cookies?"

A frog walks into a bank, up to the teller and says "Hello my name is Kermit Jagger and I want a loan".

The bank teller replies " Hello I'm Patty Wac, what do you what the loan for?"

The frog says " I want to buy a boat"

"How much do you want to borrow?" asks the teller.

$30,000 says the frog.

"And what do you have for corlateral?"

The frog says "I know the bank manager" and hands her a small pink elephant.

The confused teller looks at the elephant, excuses herself and goes to back of the bank. She walks into the manager's office and says "I've got a frog at my window who wants $30,000 and who says he knows you. When I asked about corlateral he gave me this. What-ever-is-it".

The bank manager replies " it's a Knick-nack, Patty wac, give the frog a loan, his old mans' a Rolling Stone".

This message was edited by paulhubbard on 08/12/02 12:35.20.

Modern Slang Explained

XEROX SUBSIDY
Swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. (The O.J.trials, Gary Condit, Monica Lewinsky, etc.)
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
404
Someone who's clueless.
From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404."
OH-NO-SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

____________________

A newspaper columnist was found guilty and fined for calling a countess a cow.
When the trial ended and the man paid his fine, he asked the judge, since it was now clear he couldn’t call a countess a cow, if he could call a cow a countess?
The judge said it was all right to do so. Whereupon the newspaperman turned to the countess in the courtroom, bowed elaborately, and said, “How do you do, Countess?”

____________________


A state police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over.
Approacing the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies-- two in the front and three in the back-- wide- eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing the speed limit. What's the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed.
Embarrased, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
Before letting her go, the office rasked, "Is everyone okay in this car? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be alright, officer. We just got off Route 119."

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TOP FOUR THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR IN SURGERY

1 - "Better save that. We'll need it later for the autopsy."

2 - "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

3 - "Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!"

4 - "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

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The vampire struck, sinking his fangs into the neck of his unsuspecting victim, drinking her life, her body rapidly collapsing under the inhuman assault.
"Excuse me, but you break it you buy it!" said the annoyed owner of Adult Toys, as 'Bouncing Betty' deflated to the floor.

____________________


It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

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A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a sly smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

________________________________________

Things Moms Would Probably Never Say

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
"Wow, maybe I should pierce my nose and navel too!"
"Let's have a farting contest."
"I don't have a tissue with me . . . just wipe your nose on your sleeve."
"Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, that's good for another week."
"Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve."
"Sure you can go joy riding with Evan. He's only had one major accident."
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Just leave all the lights on--it makes the house look more cheery."
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

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Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First Grade class."
Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Heck, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother."

Is that "In My Anal Opinion"?     :-p    

Then there was the enterprising Rabbi who collected the foreskins from the circumcisions he performed. He sewed them together to make wallets.

And these weren't just ordinary wallets; if you rubbed one the right way, it grew into a suitcase.

This message was edited by Larry Fine on 08/13/02 02:23.39.

...........and if you continued to rub it "the right way" . . . would you find your mouth full of underwear?

.......um, Larry . . . are you saying you worked for this Rabbi?

This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 08/13/02 02:02.31.

Oops! Mis-type corrected!

Too BAD, Larry!Please see Rule #23.

In the dead of summer a hot, dry fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake and said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three
inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down
three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking,"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself
and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there was more.

A mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly..and that bear grabs for that
fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese
sandwich, and I'll eat the sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time, "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly...
and that bear grabs for that fish.. and that hunter shoots that
bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.... then I can
have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down the few inches for the cooling mist of the water.

*AND*

The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish...
The hunter shoots the bear...
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse...
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches...some pussy
is in danger.

HAHAHA!!

Amen to that one Bob!