Just heard on sky news that they've crashed another jeep into Glasgow Airport...... Police believe it's the start of the religious holiday Ram-A-Van!

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

I haven't read thru all 25 pages so forgive me if this is a repeat:

A Russian, Cuban, Texan, and Mexican were standing on a bridge over the water. The Russian pulls out a tin of caviar, takes a small pinch out and tosses the rest of the tin in the water.
"Are you mad?" cries the Cuban. "Do you know how much that stuff costs?"
Very calmly the Russian says "Where I come from, is very cheap, all over the place."
Not to be outdone, the Cuban pulls out a huge cigar, lights it, takes two puffs, and tosses it into the water.
"You're crazy!" screams the Texan "Those things are impossible to get!"
Calmly, the Cuban says "Where I come from, is very cheap, all over the place."
The Texan then takes a big swig of his Budweiser, sets it down, and throws the Mexican in the water.


Bada-Boom!

A Pharmacist walks into his shop to find a bloke leaning heavily against a wall. He asks his shop assistant: "What's with the bloke over there by the wall?"
She replies: "He came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative!"
Pharmacist riles up: "You idiot. You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
Unfazed, the staffer retorts: "Of course you can. Look at him, he's afraid to cough."

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man
reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one
foot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the
counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and
pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of
the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts
playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The
man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he
pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and
says..."Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust
of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is
allowed only one!"

The bartender gets really excited. Without hesitating he
says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon
followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the
entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The
bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your
genie's a little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a
million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man... "Do you really think I
asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce!

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

thanks to justin this has become the greatest joke site on earth

Thanks for the kind words brian! Glad somebody esle is enjoying them as much as I do...

Here's fridays offering! (and not a hint of "my joke is better than your joke" thread anywhere!!!)

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear
to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers
right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is
using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines
start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering
among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people
begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets
closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming
more and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and then at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his *%#!&*$# widow."

Might be an oldie, but it made me chuckle . . .


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the local newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job; one was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

When Mr. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said...


"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

"Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"

"Thats from Eric in the burns unit." said the nurse.

"He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

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ROTFLMAO!

A guy was driving the local Sesame street school bus for the first day. Gets to the first stop and a rather rotund girl gets on and says. "My name is Patty"

Drives along to the next stop and another rather rotund girl gets on the bus and says "My names Patty.

Drives along to the next stop and a little girl gets on and says "My names Tess and I'm special"

Drives along to the next stop and a young lad gets on the bus and says "My names Lester"

As he's driving along he smells one of the worst smells in his life. He looks over his shoulder and sees Lester picking bunions. Having taken his eyes of the road he crashes into a parked car. The police turn up and ask him where the bus is going who is on the bus.

The driver said. "There is two obese patties, special Tess and Lester picking bunions on a sesame street bus.."

ugh