An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where are you going ?" The elderly man replied, "To the doctor." Surprised his wife asked "Why, are you sick?" "No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." With that his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater. Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?" "I'm going to the doctor, too". "Why?" She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using that rusty, old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."
A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What's the quickest way to York?" The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving." "That's the quickest way."
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie. Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, cause he was gay.
Driving to the office this morning on the A22, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 MPH per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!! WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a lot like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that- "I do" is the longest sentence?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, Write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps,- so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Why do overlook and oversee, mean Opposite things?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
At the Checkout Stand Cathy watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" She asked after folding the items Cathy had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet The cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" The cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband Rodney, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." The angel says, "What are you going to do now?" God says, "Call it a day."
What do you call a donkey with one leg ? a wonkey donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye ? a winkey wonkey donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye and makin' love ? a bonkey winkey wonkey donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind ? a stinkey bonkey winkey wonkey donkey
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind wearing blue suede shoes ? a honkey tonkey stinkey bonkey winkey wonkey donkey !
What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano ? a plinkey plonkey honkey tonkey stinkey bonkey winkey wonkey donkey!!
What do you call a tiny donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano ? A dinkey plinkey plonkey honkey tonkey stinkey bonkey winkey wonkey donkey!!
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
To the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen......
Naan, just killed a man Poppadom against his head Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow Curry on, curry on Cause nothing really Madras. Nothing really Madras to me.
Too late, my dinner's gone Sends shivers down my spine Rectum aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh This dupiazza is so mild I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
I see a little chicken tikka on the side Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, Pass the chutney made of mango Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy Meat!
Byriani (Byriani) Byriani (Byriani) Byriani and a naan (A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory Stand you well back 'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes There it goes Technicolor yawn I chunder No!
It's coming up again (There he goes) I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes) Coming back again (up again) Here it comes again. (No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees On his knees, Oh, there he goes This vindaloo Is about to wreck my guts Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright? So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night? Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby Just had to come out It just had to come right out in here.
(slow bit) Korma or dupizza bhaji, naan or saag Nothing makes a difference Nothing makes a difference To meee....
