Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. ..... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.
When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

I HATE Dr. Laura. /shudder

I remember, back in high school, my mom called her up once to ask a question regarding me. I was then put on air to talk to her. My mom handed me the phone... this was the conversation:

Mom: Erin, the phone's for you.
Me: Who is it? ... Hello?
Bitch: This is Dr. Laura.
Me: Mom! Why the hell did you call this bitch up?! I'm not talking to her! Dr. Laura - go to hell you piece of arrogant shit! I hope this ruins...

Hehe it was all on live air, I was so proud of myself. (and then I was grounded)

Well worth the price though, Eh?!

This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 08/16/02 06:16.28.

Hell yeah!

EH??!!! HAHA

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread

One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey.
He asked all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly. Then, a few shovels full later, he quieted down completely. The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw.
With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbors!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, nevergiving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred.
Free your mind from worries.
Live simply.
Give more.
Expect less.

Finally, the donkey walked over and kicked the living crap out of the farmer that tried to bury him. Which brings us to the other moral of this story:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you.

__________________

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat today.
Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00a.m. on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it and they could see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the club house congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right- handed or left-handed?"
She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If it's pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointing to the left, I golf left- handed."
One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"
She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."

____________________

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and
stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money!"

____________________

“I have to take every precaution not to get pregnant," whispered Sherri to her best friend June.
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," June responded.
"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution!" said Sherri.

____________________

What An Idiot!

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered."Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna gitOUT!!!"

____________________


A pair of tourists discovered an abandoned well near an old farm house. Curious, they drop a small stone into the well, but they never hear it hit bottom. They search and find a larger rock and drop it into the well, but once again hear nothing.
They decide they need something larger and search the farmyard for a larger object. After much struggling, they manage to drag a large railroad tie to the edge of the well and drop it over the edge. Suddenly, a goat comes screaming across the yard and without any hesitation, dives head first into the open hole. The two tourists stare in dumb-founded amazement.
About then a farmer appears and asks them if they’ve seen a goat.
The tourists tell the farmer about the goat diving into the well.
"That couldn't be my goat", the farmer replies, "My goat was grazing in the field roped to a railroad tie!

____________________

As Andrew waited for Judi to change, he began playing with her dog. He tossed it’s ball and the mutt fetched it. He threw it again, and watched the ball bounce onto and over the balcony of her high rise apartment with the dog in hot pursuit.
Later, Judi asked where Fido was?
He replied "Have you noticed him acting depressed lately?"

____________________

I didn't go looking for these last two jokes, they just showed up on a Joke Page I subscribe to on my PDA, but I’m beginning to get a bit concerned. These two jokes, plus the one about the Donkey & the well, in my last Post, got me to wondering about omens.

I don’t own any pets at the moment, but someone I don’t even know recently described me as

"….the technical genious, who makes everything run smoothly. He is a rare beast."

Should I be avoiding “deep” or “high” places?
. . . This will be difficult, as I work in the Dungeon of a High Rise Condominium!!

I work as a technician in a factory that produces Nickel alloys. One piece of plant we have is a rather large automated extrusion press (turns yer machined billets into bar, section, seamless tube). Because of it's automated nature it has a number of CCTV's dotted around that feed back to the control cabin.

Call came in one day asking me to check one of the monitors, picture had gone doolally. "Groan!" I hate going down there 'cause you can almost guarantee that during a breakdown the crew would be crammed into the cabin, making the working conditions difficult (if not intollerable).

Get there and sure enough everyone's sitting around yacking (and presumably thinking they're about to have a nice little unscheduled break). I walk in, go straight to the monitor, whose picture is nothing but snow, give an almighy thwack on the side and lo and behold, much to everyone's surprise (including mine) the picture returns.

Cue a number a moans and groans from the disappointed crew. "They pay you all that money just to do that?"
"Ah," says I. "You've got to know where to hit it," and walk out.

A GIRLS PRAYER

Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart, and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.
When he promises to call he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "how big's my behind?"
One who will make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, in the living room, the garden and the
kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and never attempt to screw my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.

BOY'S PRAYER

Lord, I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who owns a
beer store.
Amen.

George Carlin's prayer: "Help me find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership."

Prayers for MBTI Types

ISTJ: Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41.23 a.m. EST.

ISTP: God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

ESTP: God, help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.

ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).

ESFP: God, help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

ESFJ: God, give me patience, and I mean right NOW.

INFJ: Lord, help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that correctly?)

INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta

ENFP: God, help me to keep my mind on one th - Look a bird - ing at a time.

ENFJ: God, help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?

INTJ: Lord, keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

INTP: Lord, help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

ENTP: Lord, help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwhatIdo.

Lots of other Online Tests

An old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat, when his wife said, "Where are you going ?"
The elderly man replied, "To the doctor."
Surprised his wife asked "Why, are you sick?"
"No," he said, "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." With that his equally elderly wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her sweater. Surprised, he asked, "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to the doctor, too".
"Why?"
She said, matter-of-factly, "If you're going to start using that rusty, old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."




A man approached a local in a village he was visiting.
"What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"I'm driving."
"That's the quickest way."




Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.




Driving to the office this morning on the A22, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 MPH per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!! WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a lot like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that- "I do" is the longest sentence?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, Write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps,- so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Why do overlook and oversee, mean Opposite things?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?




At the Checkout Stand Cathy watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" She asked after folding the items Cathy had bought. As she fumbled for her wallet The cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" The cashier asked. "No," she replied. "But my husband Rodney, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."




God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." The angel says, "What are you going to do now?" God says, "Call it a day."




What do you call a donkey with one leg ? a wonkey donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye ? a winkey wonkey donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye and makin' love ?
a bonkey winkey wonkey donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind ? a stinkey bonkey winkey wonkey donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind wearing blue suede shoes ? a honkey tonkey stinkey bonkey winkey wonkey donkey !

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano ?
a plinkey plonkey honkey tonkey stinkey bonkey winkey wonkey donkey!!

What do you call a tiny donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano ? A dinkey plinkey plonkey honkey tonkey stinkey bonkey winkey wonkey donkey!!




A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."




To the tune of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen......

Naan, just killed a man
Poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.

Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.

Naan, ooh, ooh
Didn't mean to make you cry
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Nothing really Madras to me.

Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Rectum aching all the time

Goodbye onion bhaji,
I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.

Naan, ooh, ooh
This dupiazza is so mild I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.

I see a little chicken tikka on the side Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh,
Pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy Meat!

Byriani (Byriani) Byriani (Byriani) Byriani and a naan (A vindaloo loo loo loo)

I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...

Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder No!

It's coming up again (There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again (There he goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it comes again. (No no no no no no NO)

On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!

So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.

(slow bit)
Korma or dupizza bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference To meee....

Q: What do you get when you cross a Penis with a Potato?

A: A Dictator

I love this thread! ROFLMAO!!!

If a man says something in a forest and a woman doesnt hear him is he still wrong ?