Good news. I wanted to let you guys know that I fixed the problem. I've read about people having similar issues, but there was no concrete way to solve it, so I thought I'd let everyone know for future reference.

If the remote isn't being detected when you plug it into ANY USB port on your machine and the software thinks it's disconnected even though the LCD screen says USB CONNECTED, but every other USB device works fine, turn OFF your computer, and UNPLUG the POWER cord from the back of the tower.

Let your computer sit unplugged for about a half hour to let the capacitors discharge, and then plug the power cord back in and turn it on. That's what did it for me. Immediately after reboot and plugging in the remote I heard the two-tone Windows confirmation of a device being plugged in and I updated my remote with no issues whatsoever.

Cheers, and happy updating!