Due to my abilities as a member of a vastly Superior Race, I have decided to start work on the
ULTIMATE REMOTE.It will include a flashlight, Taser, retractable Dog Leash, PDA, Cell Phone, TV Guide (updateable via BlueTooth), the ability to learn
EVERY code a device is capable of accepting simply by Touching the
REMOTE to the device (this will include every CD/DVD in a Juke Box with Cover Art & Notes), capable of configuring itself to your every whim and desire simply by touching the
REMOTE to your forehead. It will need no batteries or recharging Dock, as it will incorporate a miniature Cold Fusion Power Cell.
It will also have a built-in Holographic Projection TV Screen for Program Preview or a Security Camera (the screensaver, will of course, be that fetching picture of the ever lovely CV), a Laser Pointer with Happy Face filter, a scanner for copying those TV MailBag articles with addresses for the Stars (which could also be sent to your PC via BlueTooth). A Cone of Silence covering yourself and your HT (expandable to cover those as interested as yoursef), a Cloaking Device so no one will know you're vegging out, a Temperature Recharge Probe that would return any beverage (or food) instantly to the temperature of your choice, a Come Hither Button (works on Significant other, or the Dog, whichever is needed at the time
for those in Saskatchewan, it works on sheep too). A Mute Button that will work on
ANYTHING you point it at.
Rounding out the
REMOTE's features will be a Pair of Scissors, Phillips & Flat Blade Screwdrivers, miniature Needle Nose Pliers, tweezers, a toothpick, an Awl, a Wire Stripper, Metal & Fingernail Files, Magnifying Glass, Cigarrette Lighter, Cigar Cutter, Corkscrew and a Bottle Opener.
Included at no extra charge will be a Ring-Lock (similar to those on some Handguns) so that ONLY YOU can operate it [for those who don't like jewelery, it is also implantable, which can be optioned to include a daily vitamin micro-pump]. It will also have the ability to Levitate & Cloak itself until you approach with the Ring-Lock/Implant, whereupon it will seek out your hand pre-warmed (or cooled) to your choice of comfort temperature.
I am currently in the design stage and will take suggestions, at present the device should be about the size of Stephan King's 'The Stand' (hard back, special edition), or a BIC Pen . . . I haven't decided. Production could start in as soon as 3½ years . . . Federation of Planet years, of course. The going Earth-to-Federation time exchange is extremely variable right now because of the current consumption rate of the
Worms in Tequila Bottles, but it is approximately 1 Federation year = 365 Earth years. Of course we also have Leap Years due to the eccentricity of our 'Sun' (he's a right randy old chap!), the difference being, our Leap Years add an extra 10 Federation years on February 29th. Isn't it strange?? We live 250 million miles apart and we use the same names for our months!!
I will, of course, keep you updated as production nears and a final MSRP can be negotiated with the Tleilaxu overlords on the machine planet Ix, I hope to keep production in the Free Trade Zone to reduce Export/Import Tarrifs &/or VAT.
Pictured is an early pre-production model produced by a competitor.
The suit is required because of all the differing forms of radiation his remote emits.
(The 'touching to the forehead' function was a bit precarious, as well)!
Mine will not suffer these fates.
His, also, does not come equipped with a Fingernail File!
MIKE
