1. Voice mail options are to be changed every Monday to ensure that customers must listen to ALL of the endless options before being able to make a choice. Note: Be sure to put "Speak to a tech support team member" at the very end of the list right after "If you need to order an instruction book in Mandarin, please press 202". Disable the 0 option to reach an actual Person. 0 must always re-start the Options Dialogue. Disallow 'punch-through' so they must listen to the entire Options Dialogue.
2. If the customer is calling with a software problem, immediately blame their hardware.
3. In order to maintain good customer relations, only put a caller on hold if you're taking a 15-30 minute coffee break. If you're taking a full lunch hour, then take their number. Then throw it away and wait for them to call back.
4. If the customer is calling with a hardware problem, immediately blame their software.
5. Remember: To the customer you're a God. A genius who's hundred times smarter than they are. Feel free to talk down to them. NOTE: Don't worry about answering questions from computer savvy nerds. Since they don't call Tech Support, you will never have to answer a question you can't fake your way through.
6. If you've no idea what the customer's problem is, simply tell them "You obviously don't have the latest upgrade." Then instruct them to search for it on the web - that'll keep them busy for months.
7. If it turns out that a customer is calling with a valid problem that you already know about, say: "I've never heard of that happening before, but I'll ask a Senior Engineer. Please hold." Then after your coffee break, come back on the line and give vague and confusing instructions on how to fix it.
8. AOL is the official scapegoat for any hardware or software problems a customer may experience. AOL has screwed up so much over the last two years that anybody will accept AOL as the cause of their problem - even if they don't have AOL!
9. Always be sure to ask the caller to list the other programs they are using. When they name the third one, immediately blurt out "Oh, there's your problem. That program isn't compatible with ours."
10. As an absolute final resort: Tell the customer that an upgrade that will fix everything will be available in two months. This will buy us enough time to work hard... To update this excuse list!
This message was edited by MrKlaatu on 03/30/02 04:28.54.
