A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.” “You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom. “You're also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge. “Bastard!” the same person yells. The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I'll charge you with contempt.” “I'm sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I've been this bastard's neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.”

Not quite a Joke, Witticism or Anecdote but had to share this one with you all..

Hitler's xbox..

[Link: ebaumsworld.com]

The gamers out there will particularly enjoy this!

If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air

You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

OSX Air:

You enter a white terminal, and all you can see is a woman sitting in the corner behind a white desk, you walk up to get your ticket. She smiles and says "Welcome to OS X Air, please allow us to take your picture", at which point a camera in the wall you didn't notice before takes your picture. "Thank you, here is your ticket" You are handed a minimalistic ticket with your picture at the top, it already has all of your information. A door opens to your right and you walk through. You enter a wide open space with one seat in the middle, you sit, listen to music and watch movies until the end of the flight. You never see any of the other passengers. You land, get off, and you say to yourself "wow, that was really nice, but I feel like something was missing"

Windows Vista Airlines:

You enter a good looking terminal with the largest planes you have ever seen. Every 10 feet a security officer appears and asks you if you are "sure" you want to continue walking to your plane and if you would like to cancel. Not sure what cancel would do, you continue walking and ask the agent at the desk why the planes are so big. After the security officer making sure you want to ask the question and you want to hear the answer, the agent replies that they are bigger because it makes customers feel better, but the planes are designed to fly twice as slow. Adding the size helped achieve the slow fly goal.

Once on the plane, every passenger has to be asked individually by the flight attendants if they are sure they want to take this flight. Then it is company policy that the captain asks the passengers collectively the same thing. After answering yes to so many questions, you are punched in the face by some stranger who when he asked "Are you sure you want me to punch you in the face? Cancel or Allow?" you instinctively say "Allow".

After takeoff, the pilots realize that the landing gear driver wasn't updated to work with the new plane. Therefore it is always stuck in the down position. This forces the plane to fly even slower, but the pilots are used to it and continue to fly the planes, hoping that soon the landing gear manufacturer will give out a landing gear driver update.

You arrive at your destination wishing you had used your reward miles with XP airlines rather than trying out this new carrier. A close friend, after hearing your story, mentions that Linux Air is a much better alternative and helps.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business and government, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead"
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

And I think 20 has been used a few times where I work :-)

So, a guy goes into a bar. He goes up to order a pint, and he notices that there is a massive glass jar crammed full of $50 notes behind the bar.
He says to to the bartender: "Hey man, what is the deal with the jar of money?"
The reply is "You can enter a contest to win it, if you like".
On enquiring as to what he would have to do to enter, he is informed that he has to put in $50 himself before he can even be told.
The guy is thinking that there must be about 15 grand in there, so it would be worth a look.
After cramming the note in, the bartender says the following: "Firstly (while pointing at a small wooden cask behind the bar), you have to drink that down in one go with no pauses.
It is Tijuana's hottest pepper Tequila.
Secondly, you have to go outside where you will find my chained up pitbull terrier who has a sore tooth. You have to remove that tooth using only your hands.
Finally, you have to go upstairs to the bedroom, where you will find my 90year old great aunt who has never had an orgasm in her life. You have to get her off."
The guy nearly chokes on his drink, and straight away concedes that he would never attempt any of the things involved, and that the bartender was a good conman. He then proceeds to get some serious drinking done with the locals.

Time ticks by, and many drinks are lowered. The lads are all egging our hero on, until eventually he jumps to his feet and shouts "Whurz de Teekeella?" He uncorks it, and starts to drink. His face turns scarlet, and tears stream down his cheek, but he doesn't stop. Eventually he throws the cask down, and it shatters on the ground, and there is not one drop left. Everyone cheers. The guy, with a huge, drunken smile on his face, attempts to strut out the back.

For the next fifteen minutes, there is a brutal cacophany of raging hound and human suffering. Eventually, the guy comes back in. His shirt is ripped and there are rend marks on his chest. His forearm bears ouncture marks, and there is blood dripping onto the floor. He is soaked in sweat, but looks triumphant. He pauses, and asks everyone:

"Whurz de old wuman wif de bad tooth."

Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was
invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little
Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the
spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

Little Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
"Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
The mother proudly replied, "Yes. We are so thankful. The doctor said
he will have 20/20 vision"

Little Johnny replied, "That's great... coz he'd be f*cked if he needed
glasses

Anybody recognise themselves in here.....?

You Might Be a Technician if...


you have ever tried to repair a $15.00 radio.

you think of the gadgets in your office as "friends."

you think your computer looks better without the cover.

you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as is."

you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

you think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

the microphone at a meeting doesn't work and you rush up to fix it.

you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage.

you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers and you actually know where they are.

you just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

you have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

It’s the middle of the night at the local hospital.
The phone rings at the Nursing Station. The Staff Nurse hurries to answer it.
“Hello. Premature Ejaculation Unit. May I help you?”
“Oh yes,” replies the caller. “It’s Mrs Jones – I was hoping for news of my husband”.
“I’m sorry, Mrs Jones”, says the Nurse. “I’m afraid it’s still touch and go”.

Mendal Katz and Yossi Reichman, two very religious Rabbis, visited
Marcus Pincus the tailor to have two new black suits made. When
they pick up the suits, Mendal looked at his suit very carefully, held
it up to the light, walked over to the window and examined it more
carefully, and then proclaimed, "Marcus, this suit is navy blue. It's
not black!"

"Trust me" said Marcus, "it's black!"

"Yossi, what do you think? Blue or black?" Asked Mendal. "To tell
you the truth," said Yossi, "I couldn't really tell you from this light,
if it's blue or black."

They left wearing their new suits, which cost them $500 each, in
total doubt and pain.

While walking down the street they kept examining each other's suit
to see if it was blue or black.

Then they spotted two nuns, standing on the corner and decided to go
stand next to them. They knew the nuns' habits would be black and this
way they could be sure.

Well, later that afternoon, the two nuns returned to the convent and
visited with the Mother Superior to discuss their day in the city.

"A very strange thing occurred," reported one of the nuns. "Two
Jewish men approached us on the street and they were speaking Latin!"

"Latin?" exclaimed Mother Superior. "Jewish men don't speak Latin,
they speak Hebrew!"

"No," said the other nun. "It was definitely Latin!"

"Well, what did they say exactly?" asked the Mother Superior.

"I'm not really sure," said one of the nuns. They just kept repeating
the same Latin phrase, "Marcus Pincus Fuctus!"

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play stereo music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always
complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, Windowshopping 2.3, and Theatre 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Bridge 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Billiards 2.4 and
ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run NappyChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!
Sincerely, XXX

Dear XXX:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You Will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3.

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0 and Whisky 6.9.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was mmediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab . "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...

Divorce Letter

Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait
anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me
talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact.
In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about
looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says:
"There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're
not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me.I don't say this to hurt you, but
just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies
that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body.
Tits like you wouldn't believe, and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on
the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's
all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean?
Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a
better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it.
And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.
Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so
drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something
else.Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete?
And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?
Nothing feels the same without you.Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just
reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year?
Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a
woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom.
And this tart's a total monster in the sack.
She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not Hung up about her weight or
her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your
grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.
And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the
mirror on the floor?
We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but
she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.
She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.She's pulling for us to get back
together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier
times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked
like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing. That gets me to thinking about how many times
I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us.
But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do
is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it.Don't you think we could start over?
Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please , please let me know.
Otherwise, can you let me know where the ****ing remote is?
Love,
Dan

Love it!