OK, you may all place your questions to me right here in my new syndicated column, "Dear Dirty Dave".
Here's our first question:
Dear Dirty Dave,
I have this tootsie roll fetish, which I think is harmless, but my mother keeps telling me that I should stop shoving them up my (censored). What do you think? (P.S. I am a normal 40 year old psychiatrist living with my mother.)
Paul in Peoria
Dear Psyco,
Obviously your mother has never experienced the pleasure of shoving tootsie rolls up her (censored). I suggest you open a nice bottle of wine, break out a new package of miniature tootsie rolls, and share this pleasure with her in a nice intimate setting, such as your local grocery store or pharmacy. I'm sure she will thank you for it.
P.S. You ARE removing the wrappers from the tootsie rolls, aren't you? Otherwise I can understand your mother's concern. Also, make sure you have taken the gerble out of your (censored) before you insert the tootsie rolls, or it will consume the tootsie rolls before they slowly soften and pleasnatly ooze out of your (censored).
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Dear Dirty Dave,
I have enjoyed your column for many years. I was wondering if you could help a friend of mine. It seems I, umm, I mean he is afraid to urinate in a public bathroom where others can see my, umm, I mean HIS, well, you know, ah, "member", if you get my drift. It's not that I'm em, oops, I mean HE is embarassed by the size of my, no, I mean HIS "member", but it's just that it is a little disconcerting when people point and laugh at my, er, HIS (censored). What advice can you give me? I mean him?
Usama B. L. (no location given)
Dear Shorty,
You sound like a really nice, concerned friend. I think the problem is all in your friend's head. The best way to solve your friend's problem is for him to clear his head by enjoying an extra large dose of heroin. Maybe two or three. I understand it is readily available in and around Afghanistan, so if you are anywhere near there, you're in luck! Thanks for writing, and please take my advice to help your friend.
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Dear Dirty Dave,
Long time reader, first time writer. I'm wondering if there is something wrong with my girlfriend. Every time I ask her to (censored) me she says no, because she doesn't like the taste of (censored). All my other girlfriends really enjoyed (censored) me, and I also enjoyed giving them (censored). I have thought about asking my girlfriend to marry me, but I'm a little concerned about this problem. What would you suggest?
