Ok, I thought I'd start a joke thread. Please keep it clean!


A third grade teacher asks the class to use the word beautiful in a sentence twice.

So little Suzy raises her hand and says: "My mom bought a beautiful dress and when she wore it, she looked beautiful"

The teacher says "Very good Suzy"

Little billy raises his hand and says: "My mother arranged a beautiful party and it turned out beautiful"

Teacher says "Very good Billy"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says: "We sat down to supper last night and I told my father that my sister was pregnant, and he says beautiful, just fricken BEAUTIFUL!"

Easter joke.

Is Hell Exothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa, (Cheerleader Captain and Class Valedictorian) during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night and again this morning, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, Teresa kept shouting "Oh My God!!!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A+"

A man asks his girlfriend: "Who enjoys sex more, men or women?"
She replies: "When you put your finger in your ear and shake it, what feels better, your finger or your ear?"

An elderly woman went to see the Doctor.

When asked to describe her problem she replied:

"Doctor I fart all of the time.

I fart in church, I fart in the check-out line at the store, I've farted several times since I've been in here with you!

Thankfully they don't stink and are really quiet."

The Doctor gave her a prescription and scheduled an opointment to see her again in two weeks.

When she returned for her follow-up, she exclaimed:

"Doctor those pills you gave me made it worse!

I still fart all of the time, they're still quiet, but now they stink really bad!"

The doctor replied;

"Well I see we fixed your sinus problem.

Now lets work on that hearing!"

The advantages of tattoing a $100 bill on your organ:
1- You can play with your money
2- You can watch your money grow
3- Your girlfriend can blow as much of your money as she want

Mick and Seamus fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money.

Between the two of them, they had a staggering 50 cents.

Mick said "Hang on, I've got an idea" - he went next door to the butchers
shop and came out with one large sausage.

Seamus: "Are ya crazy? Shite, now we've no money left atall."

Mick: "Don't worry - just follow me," and went into the next pub where he
immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two large Bushmill's.

Seamus: "Now ya lost it - do ya know how much trouble we'll be in? Christ!, we got no money!!"

Mick: "Don't worry me boy, I've got me a plan - Cheers!" So they downed
their drinks with great gusto.

Mick then said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through me zip - you'll go on
yer knees and put it in yer mouth." Said and done ... the landlord noticed it, went berserk and threw them out on the street.

They continued this, pub after pub after pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk - all for free.

At the 10th pub Seamus said "Mate, I can't go on no longer - I'm drunk and
me knees are killing me!"

Mick: "How the bejaseus do you think I feel? I lost me sausage in the 3rd
pub!

A blind man enters an All Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very irritated voice, the woman next to him says; "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man ! thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

After a long day at work, a man realized it was his anniversary. He raced to Victoria's Secret and asked for the sheerest thing they had. He purchased the nightgown for $400 and raced home. He ran inside and told his wife, "Go upstairs and put this on." She went upstairs and opened her gift. She lifted the gown out and was stunned that it was transparent. She figured it would be just as good to just walk downstairs naked because her husband wouldn't even notice, and she could return the gown for a refund in the morning. As she walked down the stairs, the husband exclaimed, "Damn—for $400, you'd think they'd at least iron the damn thing!"

A couple had an big argument while out for a drive. They passed a farm with mules and pigs. Seeing her chance, the wife points and asks her husband sarcastically: "Relatives of yours?" The husband sighs resignedly and says: "Yep.... They're my in-laws!"