X10 RF, Wifi, Bluetooth, IR
Tactile buttons for major functions
Colour LCD + side buttons (or maybe touch screen - but I'm not that keen on fingerprints all over it)
Remote control of HTPC (a Girder plugin or config with an existing plugin is all that it required)
Macros
Ability for some buttons to transmit using different transmitters (ie. 1 button IR, 1 X10, 1 Wifi etc).
Li-ion battery with recharge cradle
Backlit or glow-in-the-dark buttons

Anyone know where I can get such a beast?

It needs to be styled nicely and priced in the mid-range (not $1500) like most of the Philips ones. For that much I can get a PDA and use BT or Wifi... in fact if they had the right hard buttons I'd be tempted.